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sending an imposter out to meet the world, wearing my face. i am quite aware that my source material was all about consistency in meeting attendance. i am consistent, i show up every week for my home group. of course, i could go to more meetings and there was certainly a time in my recovery when i felt i “needed” to attend at minimum, three meetings a week. the pandemic and my last FIFTH STEP changed that attitude and because of that change, i know i “need” be at my home group every Saturday morning. my last FIFTH STEP also freed me from the lie that i was too broken to be seen in public and i had to hide in plain sight, acting as if i was whomever i needed to be in that moment. i consistently acted various roles and now i consistently attempt to be my real self, even though i am still learning who that self may be.
on that note, as i sat and listened this morning, what came popping off the stack was the notion that i do not know as much as i think i do, and that i need to read the Recovery and Relapse chapter again, to see if i can find the basis of my sponsee's belief structure. just because i have to see what he sees does not mean it is not there, and i need to dig a bit deeper. as i allow my self the freedom to be me, i also see that i need to allow those i am guiding, to be themselves as well.
i am not quite sure where i was going before, as my work meeting with the boss of my boss threw me for a bit of a loop, although there was a bit of foreshadowing from my boss a few weeks ago. change happens and at my job, it seems to happen on a monthly basis. it may seem weird that i am a bit out of sorts about a change that does not affect me and i guess it is more about what my peers at work are feeling when their world has been tossed a bit. as my world stabilizes and it is reflected in both my sleep patterns and my responses to the frustrations that life on its own terms throws at me. since turning over my parent's home to the new owners and walking away from my using niece, i have found my days and spirit is lighter and i am no longer willing to hang out with the bitter and whiny folks that may come my way. those negative energy snowflakes are no longer welcome in my space and the irony is, i was one of them, for the longest time. in fact, it has only after i crawled out from the boulder of the lie that defined me for half a century. living in the light and living as myself, on a consistent basis means i no longer have to settle for bad company, i am certainly worth more than that.
just for today, i can walk in the light of knowing that i do not need to pretend to be anyone i am not. just for today., i do not need to sell myself out, just to have someone to talk to. just for today, i am okay and have a value that i could never grasp before. just for today, it is time to post this exercise up on the worldwide web and get cranking at work.

∞ DT ∞