Blog entry for:

the enthusiasm to live a program of recovery, day after day, months after month, year after year, is a perfect topic for this addict, today. to be commenting on how i view the program i am committed to, is more than a bit ironic. yesterday, as i spoke to my peers, what i heard about the gift of a full range of human emotions, was not what they heard. somehow they seemed to be focused on a single phrase in yesterday's reading: perspective. i have moved on from labeling my feelings as “good” or “bad” so i focused on the big picture of the gift of those feelings, good bad or indifferent and how i came to be grateful for having received that gift through this program of recovery. what i “ heard” was all about finding the means to return to a state, that was not part of my recovery process.
the fact of life, for this addict anyhow, was i never really felt “enthusiastic” about what i needed to do on a daily basis to stay clean. my first eighteen months of clean-time was based on playing a “role” saying what i needed to say and behaving “as-if” to make my peers “believe” this was where i wanted to be. once i reached the state of desperation, it was all about living in the FEAR of relapse, so i grudgingly did what i was told, because i had the desire “ not use,” just for today. i was never sold on the notion that i would stay clean for very long, but i had a smidgen of HOPE, that maybe my misery would someday change into something different. eventually FEAR was replaced by that HOPE and as i stayed clean, HOPE grew into FAITH, that if i continued to do what i was doing, i would get what i saw my peers “getting.”
that FAITH sustains my recovery today and i am willing to do what i was taught, based on that FAITH. not being one who was “struck” clean, i look at my peers with more than a bit of envy and of course, being the cynic that i am, wonder if they are “faking” it, as i did way back when. i am certainly grateful for the pattern of my life that is based on the template of recovery. i might even venture that the modicum of enthusiasm i have for this daily program of living, is greater than it ever was before in my journey. just as some of my peers did with the reading yesterday, i have pulled out the one word that struck me and based everything i have pounded out, on that single phrase. the “big” picture in my not so humble opinion is not about how i “feel” about what i need to do today to live a program of recovery. no, what i see the big picture as today, is that if i listen to what my peers are sharing, i can find something more to bolster my recovery: something new, a different perspective or yes even a feeling of joy that i am choosing to do this gig, day after day. on that thought, i think i will wrap this up and head on over to my home group, to see what i may be able to learn, just for today.

∞ DT ∞