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those **bad** feelings, why should i be grateful for those? ah the eternal, quintessential question for myself and perhaps for many of my peers. how can the restoration of the FULL range of human emotions, be viewed as a gift, when that restoration include the **bad** and **negative** feelings? the reading goes to the heart of my belief, that feelings and emotions simply are and my job is to learn how to stop judging them as good or bad. treading a fine line between humility and hubris, i can say, that i am becoming more skilled at letting go of judging what i feel and responding to, rather than reacting to those feelings as the arise in my daily life.
i do remember, way back when, before i ever picked up for the first time, that showing certain feelings was not appropriate and it was in my best interest to learn how to suppress those. using that as a part of the criteria to judge my feelings or good and bad, the buckets were born and i quickly learned how to keep them in check. the restoration of my full range of human feelings, had to go back to this point in time, rather than the day i picked up for the very first time. it is that dark and dingy part of my past, that seems to be popping up when i consider my looming FOURTH STEP. even though i have been clean for a few days and have learned to integrate recovery into my daily life, that particular Pandora's box, is one of the most frightening ones i have ever considered opening. that FEAR drives me toward wanting to classify and suppress feelings again, instead of facing them head-on.
today, as i step out into the real world, i can rely on my FAITH that if i do the next right thing, the POWER that fuels my recovery, will take care of me and provide me the opportunity to get what i need. if that means responding to a bit of worry and concern about what is occurring in the world today in a healthier manner, rather than playing an ostrich and hiding my head in the sand, so be it. just for today, i can accept that what i feel, is just that, what i feel and need not be the subject of deep and meaningful contemplation about the whys and wherefores. it is a great day to be clean and to be stepping out to face reality, just for today.

∞ DT ∞