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i keep relying on open-mindedness, even when it feels as if it is the next wrong thing to do. last night, i took a call from one of the men that call me their sponsor and listened to him as he dumped his stuff, or as he said, his shit. i was present and open-minded as we spoke and something he mentioned, as an aside i am sure, was that he was feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility inherent in first part of STEP THREE. i was confused by that and he went on to explain, that to him it seemed to be a huge task to surrender and keep surrendering his will and his life twenty-fours hours a day, seven days a week. i replied that none of us does that perfectly and to judge how well one does that, is to set oneself up for failure.
that process, for me anyhow would start with the notion that i suck at this anyhow, so why bother. with that thought firmly embedded in my head, it would be a short slide down to looking at what other parts of my ongoing recovery program, i suck at, and one by one eliminating them from my routine, as they do not seem to make any difference in my life anyhow. before i knew it, the idea that maybe i can use in a controlled manner, would become an obsession and <BOOM> relapse would finally become part of my experience.
i am certainly my own harshest critic and i do see that more than once i tried to “judge” myself right out of recovery. this morning, as one of those days where everything was difficult and nothing seemed to go my way, i felt like pitching it all in and going back to bed. and then, i got an inspiration from Senator Cory Booker and his historic oration of twenty-five hours. he had a goal, to out last the racist who attempted to derail the very first civil rights bill. if he can have the passion and stamina to rail against the mess of the current administration for over a day, i certainly can stop whining about my espresso machine running out of water, having to go to the basement to grab something and the trouble i am having creating the new component for the front end at work. life goes on and i may not do it anywhere close to perfectly, at least i do it. the nice part about my take on recovery, is the only thing i have to do perfectly is to stay clean, just for today, the rest? well, the rest fosters that decision and how well i do it, makes it easier to do the main part perfectly. so it is off to the streets for another workout and the opportunity to once again, clear my head and enjoy the journey, even if it is only forty-two minutes long. 🏃 🏃

∞ DT ∞