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who i am and being that on purpose! it is ironic that what i chose as my seed to focus on, as i dipped into the void, was the seed i chose to write about a year ago. i know that i have started to seek a small phrase from my source material, rather than the headline, to be the stone i drop into my pool of consciousness and as a result, i am getting a few different results. i have to say, that trying something different, is changing how i see this little exercise. pulling out a phrase of two or three words, is not really new to me, back when i was struggling to meditate, i tried doing the same thing and continued to have a less than stellar experience with meditation. of course i blamed the material and not myself, but that is certainly water over the dam and making a change or three is something i do to make my experience more fruitful, as i have FAITH that i have just begun to feel the true effects of meditation.
leaving the topic of what was and coming back to what is, i have written more than once about the cataclysmic change wrought by my last FIFTH STEP. as i embark on my journey through STEP THREE, i am starting to get the sense that the nature of my insanity and what i do and do not have power over, is starting to clarify. i know what my assignment is and i know i have yet to open my reading material to start it. when one has been clean for as long as i have, there is less immediacy to getting through the steps. where once upon a time my house was burning down, now it is all about rebuilding on the ruins of that life. coming to terms with who i am, seems to be the thrust of this round of steps, now that i have been living in the sunlight of the spirit, no longer stymied by the lie that i am not good enough to be seen as who i am. the damage done by the decades of living that lie, is quite apparent, as i am still getting my head wrapped around the notion that i do not know who i am and what i value as part of my identity.
more will be revealed. just for today, however, i feel okay with showing who i think i am and living a life where there is still a mystery or three. as i step out into this spring morning to train for the 10K race at the end of May, i know that the rewards i am seeking are neither physical nor financial, they are spiritual and based in who i have the desire to become, inn the here and now.

∞ DT ∞