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i made mountains out of molehills. i like that, the past without any modifier, so if i am not making mountains out of molehills right now, i am quite okay! as a person who used language as a weapon, in my struggles with the world in active addiction, to find such a loophole is a wondrous thing. i have read this reading over a dozen times, and yet somehow i missed that, bad addict lawyer! why, today, i see it, is beyond me, and something i need not ponder on for very long, the fact is, i see it, it struck me as noteworthy, hence it will become the topic of my further musings, this morning.
i have a sponsee, who like me, searches for the little inconsistencies in what this program says in the literature and in the practice of recovery. my task, when dealing with one of his so-called program flaws is to bring it back into the context of the whole program, as he has often pulled something out of context and tried to make it stand on its own merits, independent of everything. this is exactly what i have done, pulled the word past out of the reading, applied the the ‘i am living in the here and now’ filter and voilà i am doing fine, if i am not blowing something out of proportion in the present tense. the part of me i call addiction is always trying to cull me from the herd of recovery. yes i called the fellowship a herd, live with it. however, that is a digression. where i was going with that is i am constantly trying to disqualify myself from recovery, even though i am the happiest, healthiest and most complete person i have ever been. it was not that first use that turned me into an addict, as i look back from the vantage point of some clean time, all of the addict tendencies and behaviors were present long before i used that first time. that event, and it was an event, started the ACTIVE ADDICTION process. the fact that active addiction has been arrested for a length of time within me, is truly irrelevant, as the part of me that is the addict, is always looking for that one excuse, that one event, that one final justification to use. the one that part of me desires the most is the declaration of a being cured. so if i am not blowing something out of proportion right here and right now, it must be a symptom of being healthy, which adds to the accumulation of evidence that i have been somehow and miraculously been cured of addiction, so of course i can use again without issue. isn't the irony just so delicious here? using my healthier choices and behaviors, that are a direct result of active recovery, as evidence that i can return to using.
when i wrap the context around the loophole, it is not as large and glaring anymore, and i see that the addict barrister is simply fulfilling my inner desire, to use without consequences. that is what makes me an addict, wanting to find the ways and means to justify using. the other 85% of the human race, does not need to find that, they use or do not use, without jumping through any hoops and move on with their lives. i always come back to this point, how to use successfully.
BUMMER DUDE! IT IS, HOWEVER, WHAT IT IS!
life is good today, not perfect, not stress free, not without pain and suffering. my life includes all of that and more, and that is what makes me human. it is the addict withing, that wishes to be something else. i am grateful for what i have including what some may judge as negative aspects in my everyday life. today i can look at it as all part of life and be grateful for what i have been given, the opportunity to choose active recovery, right here and right now, will i make a mountain out of a molehill? probably before i go to bed tonight! does that mean i am any less healthy? no it means i am just another addict who chooses to recover, despite the odds against me.
as the sun is shining and the outside temperature is approaching freezing, i think it is time to bundle up and get some exercise, it has been two days since my last run, and i do feel it. i am an addict after all, and exercise does allow me to produce all kinds of mind-altering substances from within, but the real prize is that i can feel better physically with a little bit of exercise, so off to the races, so to speak.

∞ DT ∞