Blog entry for:

patience right now! well, it certainly is the little things that drive me to distraction, especially when BIG things are playing in the background. this morning, as i sat, what i heard was to let go of those BIG things and allow myself the freedom to breathe. there is a path forward for someone such as myself and that path includes learning to reconcile my past, one more time. the fact that an event that happened nearly six decades ago, is tripping me up is, in and of itself, more that a bit disconcerting. i find myself not being able to get past the feeling of victimization that has been going on within me. the simple fact that once i felt what was going on and how i have carried it with me for so long, is just exhausting and i certainly need to let go and allow myself the FREEDOM to be out from under its yoke.
moving on, it was great to be at a local meeting last night. even though the CDC guidelines were in effect at that meeting, i was still a bit uncomfortable being a room with that many people. as a result, i highly doubt that meeting will become part of my weekly routine, but there is always the possibility that another “appearance” there, will be in my future. i realize now how much i miss seeing my peers and friends, up close and in person, on a very regular basis. i am not sure what my life will look like as the world returns from lock-down, in whatever form the “new normal” will take. as i sit here and wait for the paint to dry on the job i had to run manually this morning, i can see myself stuck between two worlds: what was, one year ago and what may be six months from now. i know i have the desire to summit more 14'ers this summer. i know i have the desire to take the Ireland vacation that is bought and paid for. i know that it is getting close to the time to bump up my daily fitness goals. and i have the desire to safely go to meetings. i also know i have to find a new job, continue caring for my parents and being a part of the lives around me.
for any or all of that to happen, i just need to move forward with my life. the anger, remorse and sadness i feel over the opportunities i have lost as a result of me taking on stuff that never was true, but became the basis of my identity, is at times overwhelming. this morning as i prepare to step out and get some miles under my belt, i am struck by the fact that as i write about this, share about this and yes even dream about this, the power it has is slowly slipping away. as i pond the pavement this morning, i may be able to see my way clear to letting go, just a little bit more, so the little and petty annoyances of daily living, affect me even less, just for today.

∞ DT ∞