Blog entry for:

RIGHT NOW, dammit all! it certainly has been one of the **small things** sort of weeks for me. nothing was good enough, every little hurdle i faces was a life crisis and what i wanted others to do, was hard to achieve. it felt as if i was a victim of some cosmic conspiracy, designed to impart some lesson upon me, no matter what the cost. it was not until yesterday that feeling faded and i rejoined the real world with a bit of gratitude and joy. not a whole lot, but enough to realize that what i have is probably better than most of the addicts who are walking on this side of the grass today.
this morning, as i sat, it was tough to stop the thought train from roaring out of the station. each time i quieted one down by letting it go, another thought or fantasy popped up to take its place. my meditation is not “supposed” to be an exercise in frustration and his morning's experience, took me back to the days leading up to my last ELEVENTH STEP when i struggled to get five minutes of “quiet.” as i finally got up and started my day, i came to the conclusion that nothing is f*cked, it just was. yes, i wanted to get a walk with the dawg, get to my home group meeting, finish my weather widget project, a five mile run and be present for a sponsee as he celebrated fifteen years clean tonight, how all that was going to come about, as well as taking care of myself, caused all sorts of plans and machinations to be generated. what i came to as i was in a similar satet during my walk with the dawg, was that i have the ability to do all of that, i have plans in place to support that ability and now it is time to let everything go and get ready to roll on out to Boulder.

∞ DT ∞