Blog entry for:

as the **weak and feeble** people i once scorned. or perhaps, living life in the eye of a hurricane, as i have been feeling lately.
yes, chaos is swirling all around me, and i am powerless to stop it, BUT< and this is a good thing, i am not the creator, the instigator or the one who continues to stir the pot, these days. yes, i have moved out of those roles, and i live life on quite a different plane, than i did way back when.
isolated, hostile and derisive, were probably a very good description of how i lived, even when i was living with others, i did my best to be purposefully alone. today, well, today that has changed and my life looks remarkably normal, as normal as the “feebs” that were in my life way back when.
moving forward, and continuing with the view from the eye theme, that seems to be playing out daily across the screen that is my life today, i am struck by how much i want to jump in and take care of, and fix, and about restrained i find myself acting. that is a sign of how far i have come, from those days of whines and poses. i can be okay today, not having the solution for life, the universe and everything, and allowing others to find their way to better behavior, no matter how inappropriate and sick it may be. each tempest that has sprung up on the periphery of my life, seems ripe for me to step in and save the day, and each time i see that particular opportunity,i don my suit, grab my lance and stop long enough to consider, whether or not i have been asked to rescue anyone. which has led to the conclusion that i have not, so support, love and a trusted ear, is what i end up giving instead of advice and suggestions of a solution that seems to elude them. being in the support role, instead of the solutions role, is an interesting spot and certainly a signpost on my way to becoming the person i have started to catch a glimpse of, from time to time.
the second theme that went through my head this morning was how i shared at meetings and where it stacked up with those of my peers. generally is: grateful to be here. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, when i was BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, over the course of time BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and oh yeah you may want to consider this alternate, not quite party-linesh way of looking at it BLAH, BLAH, BLAH the end, see you next time.
while the form of what i share seems and even feels okay, i am wondering of i need to back away from the content i am sharing. it often feels as if i am talking above the heads of my peers, and whole once upon a time, i relished being in that position, these days, i loathe being there. the last thing i want to be, is a spiritual bully or a pedantic asshole, especially when all i really want to do is carry a message that there is HOPE beyond using, even after more than a couple days clean.
anyhow a couple of interesting themes to occupy my mind as i travel down south for another day of gainful employment, it is after all a great day to work at being a better man than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞