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i once scorned have become the sort of folks i hang with the most. well not quite, most of those with whom i hang are addicts in recovery, like myself. that does not preclude me from being around those who can use in a very sane manner, as i know that for some inexplicable reason, i cannot. i have given up the notion that i can ever join them in consuming just one of anything and on those occasions when they choose to go beyond sane amounts and into intoxication, i can just walk away and know that without any doubt they will pay the price tomorrow, perhaps have a regret or two and return to the routines of their lives. i might be able to get away with that for a minute, but sooner or later i would revert to my “true” form and be off running and gunning again, throwing away the life that has been given to me. that does beg the question of why i am so sure of that dire outcome. i have seen it happen time and again as some of my peers with long-term abstinence decided to test the waters and ended-up back in the rooms, in worse shape than ever, regretting their choice to use that very first time, after which they had little to no choice. i am enthralled with having choices today and as my sponse is fond of saying, recovery expands those choices and using narrows them down.
one of the choices i am trying to make this morning is in what environment i am going to do my workout. it really is not raining all that hard and it is nearly fifty degrees outside, so i could choose to go trotting in the rain. on the other hand, i have a permanent pass to the Rec Center, thanks to turning sixty-five and having a perk from my Medicare Supplement provider. in that environment i could run to my heart's content in a nice climate controlled building, sheltered from the elements. how on earth did my life ever evolve to a place where i am trying to choose between where to work out, rather than what and how much to use, to “take the edge off?” i certainly look like one of those folks i used to deride with extreme scorn. i guess that, too, is a gift of recovery.
decisions, decisions, decisions, freedom of choice can be a trap, especially for me, BUT and it is truly a ginormous one, i would not CHOOSE to have it any other way. i lived long enough in a world where my choices were dictated by active addiction and i no longer consider 🤔 that a life that i feel is worth living. others may find that lifestyle attractive, but just for today, a life in active recovery is the choice i have made and will continue to do so, until i lay my head down on my pillow tonight. i also choose to have a climate-controlled workout this morning, whether that be on a piece of machinery or round and round the tiny track. once again, i am back to having a choice, rather than being locked into a life that i find less than satisfactory and certainly unacceptable. CHOICE, just for today, means not using and doing my best to live a program of active recovery, in the here and now and let tomorrow take care of itself.

∞ DT ∞