Blog entry for:

of daily living, that i once scorned as boring, are now some of the things i am grateful for today. those routines are what the rock that is keeping grounded during these **interesting** times globally and my waiting for my diagnosis, on a personal level. if not for the support of my peers, my significant other and my recovery community, one does not have to wonder before i would be sticking my hand in the medicine jar. as much as i try to minimize the effect of that nuclear option, i am quite sure it would not be a **slip,** no matter how i want to spin it. at decades clean, it is unnerving to uncover THE very thing that would allow me to give myself permission to take a **break** from the No Matter What club. what is, simply is and what i will find out of Thursday is already written, waiting to be revealed and i am hoping that behind door number three, there is **new car.**
i often write about sitting listening for answers, whether it is first thing in the morning as i allow myself to drift towards the quiet, empty void, or last thing at night as i consider how i lived my life during my waking hours. i can honestly say that meditation did not come easy for me. it was once a struggle to even consider taking the time to sit still and stop the internal dialogue long enough to hear anything of use. i persisted at attempting meditation for many years and often considered myself a lost cause to this practice and walked away, living in the lie that my daily recovery routine, such as it was, would be “good enough.” today, there is certainly a feeling of accomplishment that i slavishly persisted in trying to do it better, as it opened me up to the spiritual path that was always set before me and i was to afraid to embrace. FEAR keeps me sick, as i have been so blatantly reminded of, these past five days.
do not get me wrong, i am still riddled with anxiety and the desire to distract myself from thinking about “what if…” right here and right now, though, i feel a connection to something greater than myself. whether that means the POWER that fuels my recovery, the care and concern of my friends, family members and peers or just my innate desire to live another day, does not matter. it is those daily routines and the lack of chaos, well relative lack of chaos that is fostering that connection. i cannot even begin to wonder the state i would be in, if i had survived in active addiction, to reach this point in history. the good part is, today, i do not have to wonder about that, because i am clean, i have a desire to live this day to the best of my ability and to get some steps under my belt, before my on-call duty kicks in. it is a good day to have a daily routine.

∞ DT ∞