• my life narrowed, and my concerns were confined •
Posted: Sun, May 20, 2012 07:32:38 AM
to the daily maintenance of my active addiction.
so here is sit, physically within 20 miles of where it all started, and not once has the desire to use, or even escape come upon me. back in those early days of active addiction, finding the ways and means, was my social life. using brought me out of the isolation, my addict brain had created for me and i became a social person, just so i could use. what i did not realize way back when, was that pattern was about to be imprinted upon my life for the next quarter century and hanging and using would someday become pretending to be who i needed to be, hanging enough to fill that role, scoring, then off to the isolation to selfishly consume whatever i had just copped. i chuckle ironically every time i here the line “we did not become addicted in one day…” as i know that first time WAS all it took for this addict to get rolling down the hellish path that was my active addiction.
that hell did not consist of fire and brimstone, nor was it all bad, in fact much of it was just the plain old boring routine of doing what i needed to do, to get whatever it was that i needed to feel good: be that drugs, money, sex or prestige. being clean and learning to live a program of active addiction makes me look upon those times quite differently today. i am where i am because i have been where i have been. yeah, i know, quite an oxymoron that says very little, until i go a bit deeper. had i not used that first time, i would have probably stayed in DC when my parents moved to Minnesota, to finish my high school out those last 18 months. from there, who knows where i would of ended up. eventually i would have used, eventually my active addiction would have taken off and eventually i would have faced the end game of addiction:
-- jails -- institutions -- death OR a program of recovery!
my point being, that living in the world of what if is such a waste of time, that i CHOOSE to live in the here and now, and here and now i am in Crystal City, VA writing about my life in recovery, waiting to head across the river to share the joy of Kathy seeing her daughter her daughter get her master's degree from Georgetown Law. i GET to come back and claim some place i never thought i could return to and i have no desire to look up my old haunts, friends or life from back in the day. i am here to be present, to be a part of and to enjoy the gifts that being a part of can bring.
honestly, i still can withdraw from the world and isolate, like the addict who called me the other morning does, believing it that making time for others interferes with the space i need to give to the POWER that fuels my recovery. today, i see that being a part of, is also part of the space i share with that POWER and have no problem being at peace with that. each day brings gifts from that POWER and the bearers of those gifts are the people who fill my life. so i NEED a bit more coffee and to get dressed for the day. it is a great day to be clean and to be a part of, rather than apart from the people that fill my life.
so here is sit, physically within 20 miles of where it all started, and not once has the desire to use, or even escape come upon me. back in those early days of active addiction, finding the ways and means, was my social life. using brought me out of the isolation, my addict brain had created for me and i became a social person, just so i could use. what i did not realize way back when, was that pattern was about to be imprinted upon my life for the next quarter century and hanging and using would someday become pretending to be who i needed to be, hanging enough to fill that role, scoring, then off to the isolation to selfishly consume whatever i had just copped. i chuckle ironically every time i here the line “we did not become addicted in one day…” as i know that first time WAS all it took for this addict to get rolling down the hellish path that was my active addiction.
that hell did not consist of fire and brimstone, nor was it all bad, in fact much of it was just the plain old boring routine of doing what i needed to do, to get whatever it was that i needed to feel good: be that drugs, money, sex or prestige. being clean and learning to live a program of active addiction makes me look upon those times quite differently today. i am where i am because i have been where i have been. yeah, i know, quite an oxymoron that says very little, until i go a bit deeper. had i not used that first time, i would have probably stayed in DC when my parents moved to Minnesota, to finish my high school out those last 18 months. from there, who knows where i would of ended up. eventually i would have used, eventually my active addiction would have taken off and eventually i would have faced the end game of addiction:
-- jails -- institutions -- death OR a program of recovery!
my point being, that living in the world of what if is such a waste of time, that i CHOOSE to live in the here and now, and here and now i am in Crystal City, VA writing about my life in recovery, waiting to head across the river to share the joy of Kathy seeing her daughter her daughter get her master's degree from Georgetown Law. i GET to come back and claim some place i never thought i could return to and i have no desire to look up my old haunts, friends or life from back in the day. i am here to be present, to be a part of and to enjoy the gifts that being a part of can bring.
honestly, i still can withdraw from the world and isolate, like the addict who called me the other morning does, believing it that making time for others interferes with the space i need to give to the POWER that fuels my recovery. today, i see that being a part of, is also part of the space i share with that POWER and have no problem being at peace with that. each day brings gifts from that POWER and the bearers of those gifts are the people who fill my life. so i NEED a bit more coffee and to get dressed for the day. it is a great day to be clean and to be a part of, rather than apart from the people that fill my life.
∞ DT ∞