Blog entry for:

that i could never enjoy the simple pleasures of life. ah the could or would dilemma, and chose could for reasons that will be illuminated as i get rolling down that particular path.
yes, i believed that i lacked the ability to enjoy life and even in recovery, the cynical part of who i am, continued to reinforce this belief, as an addict, i never believed i could be anything like those so-called “normal” people, whom i like to call the other 85%. when i choose to read between the lines, in our literature, it all seems to reinforce this belief, rather than dispel it, i am different form the rest of humanity, and i an afflicted with a condition that affects me, in a spiritual, physical and emotional manner. based on that information, i could bolster my belief structure and lament the fact that what the other 85% enjoyed,m was going to be forever beyond my reach. i could and still can build a case for that belief, but as i stay clean, work steps and live a program of recovery, i see that building a case for that belief is one of the means i use, to keep myself isolated, separated and alone.
this last set of steps has nearly demolished to foundations of my belief structure, and has created an abiding FAITH in the recovery program in which i choose to maintain my membership. the cynicism that once protected me from disappointment is far from gone, but that part of me, is less controlling and certainly less a factor in my day-to-day decisions. spending time with my friends my family and my peers is part of the stuff i like to do, even if it is something like bowling! today,
there is a bit of light in my life but as i uncovered last night, a whole lot of anger and disappointment with my latest circumstances. i feel that i am now locked into a pigeon hole and that i have lost a great deal, in the the deal between my corporate masters. for now, i am grateful that i have a paycheck and that i have benefits and that i have a place to do some sort of productive with my days. i am not so happy about how my future appears to be playing out, and it will probably take a bit of time for me to prepare to make a move to somewhere else. today, as i have identified what it is that has had me so off-balance for the past six weeks, i now can do something about it. i am sure that the 85% would be as disappointed and frustrated as i am feeling and might be seeking to change that feeling with some sort of activity or substance. they have the freedom to do so, as the consequences for them are far less than for me. i am after all an addict, and maybe a cigar or five, three energy drinks and a trip to BlackHawk may be just what this addict needs to let go and accept that IF i want to change my situation THEN i have to sharpen up my skills, update my portfolio and be willing to look at opportunities that may not be ideal. it is after all a good day to do something different.

∞ DT ∞