Blog entry for:

this morning, as i alter my normal routine, i can look back at my using daze and chuckle about how superior i felt to those who would not or could not use the way i did. fear of discovery drove me to have separate, very compartmentalized lives and when they got “too close” to each other, i panicked and did what i could do, to create a gap. isolation was just part of that package. getting clean and ending up where i am created a whole new level of isolation, as i allowed my separate lives to merge and walked away from those with whom i used. the pandemic created a new sense of isolation, from which i am now emerging and i wonder what comes next.
i had a conversation yesterday with a peer, who calls me his sponsor. we have not done any sort of recovery work since the start of the year, and i had to let him know that i am not sure where our relationship is going. every single time he reaches out, it feels as if he is trying to foist the responsibility for his recovery on to me. each interactions feels like a power battle, with him trying to control the narrative and drag me into places where my experience is limited. basically i told him that i needed to consider what this relationship is to me and how to move forward. i “suggested” that he get thirty days clean and attend several meetings. as i wait for the answer to be put upon my heart, i get that he does not see our conversations as power struggles, as he is the one that is trying to achieve the upper hand, either through revelations about his past or offering approval for the life i have come to live. as i allow the answer to come to me, i can be okay knowing that i have been honest in my dealings with him and maybe, just maybe, i am not qualified to be his sponsor.
i recognize this behavior, because i once used it myself. i did my best to separate myself and isolate myself when i got clean, because i really, really wanted to fail at this recovery gig. i cannot say what his motives are, all i can say was what my motives were. my first sponsor was a real cream-puff and allowed me to travel that path, but my second would have no part in playing that game and he taught me that i HAD to take responsibility for my life and my recovery. IF i wanted what others had, i HAD to do what they did, besides being merely abstinent. today, i take those lesson to heart and am grateful that i am no longer locked in the world of active addiction, isolated by my NEED to use. just for today, i can be okay not knowing where a relationship is headed and what i may need to do, to change that direction.

∞ DT ∞