Blog entry for:

i called them **dweebs and tools** and believed that i would never enjoy the simple pleasures of life. in fact, i got to the place where my denial was so pernicious, that i believed i had no desire to live as they did. i know now, that was a protective adaptation to allow me to continue to live as i was, and probably saved me from going totally off the deep end. separating myself from those who were **weak and feeble dudes,** protected my fragile ego as well as my desire to get high every single day, more than once.
today, contrary to the reading, i still have no desire to live the life of a so-called normal person. although my life appears to have all the trap[pings of a normal life, it is so much more. i do get what it is trying to say, i just take issue about how it says it, and that opinion is just that an opinion. so that being said, i can address the meat of the reading.
i do however desire a full life, one with hobbies, family, work, interests outside of recovery, community involvement and service to my fellowship. so if that looks like a normal life than you may call it one, for me i choose to see it as so much more, but what i mostly see, is that from the isolation of active addiction. i choose today to be involved with the rest of the world, and involved as a person. while i understand that i am an addict, and always will be one, i no longer find it necessary to announce it to the rest of the world, as one of my object lessons chooses to do. when i wear a T-shirt with the logo of my fellowship emblazoned upon my chest, i understand that anyone who knows will know, i also understand that at that point i am no longer anonymous. i accept that and move through my life. the amazing part is, that the program whose apparel i wear, gives me the tools to change my manner of living so that most of the time i am a credit to that logo and not something else less than savory.
boy, have i gotten way off track! from a simple blog about enjoying the simple pleasures of an apparently normal life, into anonymity and how i follow that principle is quite a digression. so anyhow, i am grateful for my so-called **normal** life today, and yes i can enjoy the simple pleasure of life and have become what looks like one of those **weak and feeble** dudes that i was accustomed to railing against. am i disappointed by my apparent transformation? no not really, appearances can be deceiving, and to the rest of the world i can choose what to and not to show, and let them draw their own conclusions. to the fellowship and my friends i show who and what i am in full blazing technicolor and am grateful for the ability to do so. so off to hit the streets and into my suddenly less busy day.

∞ DT ∞