Blog entry for:

as i sit here this morning, hungry and way low on my coffee intake, i am struck by the fact i chose to be in this state. i am headed off to have my annual physical, which was something i never did back when i was using and a annual habit i did not start until a few years ago. why i lacked the desire to go see the doctor once a year, just to make sure everything was okay, is such a mystery to me, but i did continue to smoke cigarettes in recovery as well as overeat, overspend and indulge in unhealthy relationships. so i guess what i am saying, is that just being in recovery was not enough for me to have the desire to actually take care of myself in the manner to which i am becoming accustomed to. in fact, it was another's bad example that propelled me into this need and desire to take care of myself, after i realized that i was worth taking care of myself. her example was enough for me to figure out part of how i was and continue to make amends to me for the damage i did myself, in active recovery and since coming to recovery. this is on my mind because i helped a sponsee move into this part of his NINTH STEP on Saturday, actually making amends to himself for the damage he has caused himself. like me, it was difficult for him to quantify that damage, even though he knew it existed. also like me, he was more than uncertain on what sort of action he needed to take to fix that damage, outside of working a program of active recovery. i am not quite certain what this has to do with living in the reality of recovery, but i am getting a sense that being worthy and most importantly desirous of the change active recovery brings to my life, is one part of this gig that i often overlook.
the reality today is that i am WORTH doing the work. i am WORTH being kind to myself and i am WORTH all the gifts recovery has to offer me. i can minimize and dismiss my effort in the smoke screen of false humility or i can stand up and be counted for what i am worthy of what i am doing today. yes i am uncomfortable, but this too shall pass. i will see the doctor, get my blood work done, then eat and have some coffee and you know what, i will be no worse off for doing the next right thing for myself. so off to the showers and into the medical office to get this day started.

∞ DT ∞