Blog entry for:

to choose was not one of the gifts i expected from recovery. in fact, if one were to ask me, way back when, if i had freedom of choice, i would have whole-hardheartedly said, of course i do and then spun into a long treatise about how was manifest in my life. the sad truth in that matter was that all my choices were constrained by how much i had, how long it would take to get more and could i risk facing reality without something on-board. as “free” of responsibilities i see some of my friends who cannot stay clean are, i know that they have fewer choices about how to go through their day than i do. when one lives on the streets, or is couch surfing, one is always dependent on a whole lot more to happen than someone in my shoes. there are times when i almost envy them for their “carefree” existence, before i realize what a lie that certainly is. i know where i am sleeping tonight and where my next meal is coming from. i know that i have a roof over my head, with central heating and all the windows intact, so if it storms i will be warm and dry. i CHOOSE to keep my situation in this manner and accept that i have responsibilities that allow me to maintain my “inside” lifestyle.
out of all of that, i get the freedom to be creative, lazy, productive, whiny, upbeat or bitter. i also get to choose whether or not i wish to hang with those who live in a world tempered by their sense of entitlement and their bitter disappointment with the consequences of the decisions they consciously made. day in and day out, as i pound out the hits at my job, as i hide out and work at the local cigar shop, there are those who seem to assume i share their peculiar brand of zealotry. it is as if they believe that smoking cigars an entry into their conspiracy-riddled and truth-challenged worldview. i CHOOSE to let them assume what they wish, as i am learning to CHOOSE what i say and how i respond to those with whom i do not agree. i have lost the desire to attempt to drag them back into the real world by the short hairs, as it is a waste of my time and energy, of which i do not have nearly enough of, these days.
today, i CHOSE to get into my summer workout pattern of taking off before 6:45 AM. it is light enough and warm enough to get moving outside a bit earlier and now that i have started that pattern, i can CHOOSE to continue or abandon it, after all, that is what freedom of choice is all about. to be clear, i do have constraints on what i choose to do. if i choose to fVck off at work, i will probably get fired. there are consequences for each and every choice i make and i can live in fear or accept that i can handle what comes. understanding that reality will very seldomly bend the way i desire, allows me the freedom to choose as i need to, based on what is happening in the here and now. i do not need any special consideration or attention from the world around me. i just need to remember i have all that i need and if i CHOOSE to be awake and pay attention, i might just get the opportunity to fulfill some of my desires, just for today.

∞ DT ∞