Blog entry for:

...in this fellowship i can find the support, genuine care, and concern i need to face those realities. what a difference a year makes. today i am not thinking about traveling anywhere, nor am i concerned with the conflicts that may or may not be swirling around me, especially those that i have no interest or standing to be involved in. today, i slept in, and have no overriding urge to move any faster than i am right now. i have recovered from my fellowshipping hangover, and although i have projects to complete over the weekend, i am not stressed out. in fact, as i take this inventory, i am utterly amazed how much serenity i actually possess at this instant. i know that can all change in a heartbeat, but for now, i am going to accept it, and hang on to it for as long as possible.
so the reading, or at least what i heard, spoke to accepting reality on its own terms. i probably have gone on before about how for me, it was necessary to escape reality by getting high. in fact as i was meditating this morning, i remembered a dream that i had overnight, dealing with a period of time in my active addiction when i choose to be extremely oblivious to reality. when i look back through the haze of euphoric recall, i really am surprised that someone like me, went for such a physical and emotional journey, as there was nothing certain on any given day, the least of which was getting something to eat. but wait, in that period getting high was a certainty, even though sleeping inside, having something to eat or gas to move on to the next stop were far from guaranteed. why i dreamed about that particular phase in my life and the days leading up to it is beyond me. i could psychobabble myself and dig deep for the causes and conditions, or i can choose to accept that it was gift, i am trying to tell myself something, and if i remain present, it will be revealed in full measure when the time is right.
so although i have yet to enter the real world and start dealing with the reality of life, this morning, i am taking with me, the notion that no matter what life happens to throw at me, i can survive without using. this has been my experience every day, up until now, and if i do not use today, it can be my experience tomorrow. just saying that i cringe when i think that one of the men in my sponsor family believes that this fellowship can keep him clean the rest of his life. i believe something like that also. i, however have trouble thinking in those terms, i am more of this fellowship can keep me clean the rest of my life ONE DAY AT A TIME mindset. anything more just gets me going all kinds of places where it is better that i do not go. right here and right now, i have no desire to use, dreams of the hazy past, and what seemed one of the best times in my life are just that -- dreams of days passed. the reality for me? i need to do some road work -- do some paid work, and get some time off to do nothin=ng -- absolutely nothing. so i do believe i will move into my day and see if i can be present for whatever pops up.

∞ DT ∞