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as manifest in my active addiction, became a nightmare. it is true, when i was using, my grip on what was real and what was fantasy, was tenuous at best. it is also true, that i had my fair share of pain and misery, most of it self-generated. what is not true, however, is that my worst day in recovery, was better than my best day in active addiction, and therein lies this tale.
it seems, from time to time, that i want to demonize my past, especially when it comes to everything that happened before i made the decision to become a member, and especially before i made the decision for the first time to stay clean, no matter what. that was something i learned early on, although it was nothing that someone told me explicitly. to me, it seemed when my peers shared about the past, it was always dark and dreary and of little or no redeeming value, and it was one of those nails in my coffin of being different from everyone already in the rooms. after all, i can hear myself going on, i had some very wonderful and happy times in my using days, and my pain and misery was nothing compared to the pain and misery i was experiencing in those early days clean. if their lives were really that bad and using could not soothe their pain, then perhaps this was where they belonged. me on the other hand, still could find comfort in that next fix, and knew that relief was just a swallow away, even though it was becoming less and less effective in keeping the world out. which brings me back to the the topic at hand, my altered sense of reality and how coming to be clean and become a member gave me something different.
the other night my sponse shared and even though i know his story pretty well, which helps me when he shares, there were a few things that struck a cord with me, among them, the fact that he does not trust the “happy horseshit” that comprises the shares of some of our peers. in fact he spake about those who share in anger, seem to be more genuine, because at least that is a valid emotion that he can understand. as i got clean, and as i readied myself for my entry into a life as an recovering addict, i too, came to distrust those who always shared how brightly lit their path was today and how awful everything was before such and such date. over the course of time, i sublimated those feelings under the guise of being open-minded and tolerant of others. how that comes out today, is that there are times i leave a meeting pissed off. it was not until yesterday, that i could put my finger on what that was all about, even though i had talked with my sponse about it in the past. most of it comes from my self-centered self-obsession, namely they shared nothing that i could use, wasting my time on fluff, smoke and mirrors, how the fVck dare they, do they not know who the fVck i am? the reality of that just happens to be, that what i see as less than spiritual in myself, i tend to swallow and hide, instead of dealing with it. yes i cannot call that an old behavior, because i am still actively participating in it. it is not my peers that need to let, it is me.it is no different than crapping my pants, i feel; bad, but no one else has a clue, nor would i let anyone else in on that nasty little event, after all, how would that make me look?
okay, there is the mess defined, what is the solution? maybe i should accept that when a newcomer with 60 days or so, says they are proud of how far they have come, they really are. maybe i should accept that when my peer share about the unicorns and rainbow they see in recovery, perhaps that is what they really are seeing. perhaps, i should stop trying to disqualify myself from being part of the fellowship by pointing out how different my experience was, and how mush that influences my perceptions of what passes for reality in my life today. yes being open-minded means facing my reservations, instead of stuffing them, and integrating the results into my new life. when i start to feel my anger rise in a meeting? well of course silly boy, share about it, in terms that make sense to me and let the chips fall where they may, after all part of the journey i am on, is to become genuine, just for today.

∞ DT ∞