Blog entry for:

clear window on the reality of my life and the world around me, is not what i was expecting when i got clean, as i thought i already had a very strong **grasp** on what the world looked like. i have to admit, even though i have read this reading numerous times in the past, it surprised me this morning, as if it was brand new. when that sort of thing happens, i realize that i **heard** something different as i sat quietly and focused on the stillness within me.
yesterday, i was filled with a sense of gratitude and as i started this morning off, i wondered when the next shoe would drop, sort of. it is not as if there was some sort of tectonic shift or that i was suddenly released from the internal storms that bind me.in a sense, i found myself in the eye of that hurricane, chaos, confusion, desperation still surround me. i am still chafing under the yoke of “stay at home” orders, wondering when i will be able to return to my “real” life. in the midst of that calm i found myself in, i heard that perhaps i need to once again, commit to a decision to move forward in my step work. the FEAR that has gripped me, is unrealistic. the changes that may or may not come about, as i explore what was and put it into perspective are truly beyond my ken and with my previous experience as a barometer, i KNOW i will not be destroyed by that unknowable outcome. this morning, what i felt was that i do have a POWER that is fueling my recovery and that POWER will provide what i need to walk through the obstacles i have erected in my path.
i do have to say, the cocoon of fantasy that active addiction provided me, is something that i have found myself thinking was the “good old days.” when my world revolved around finding the ways and means to feed the addict, life was certainly simpler. moral choices were already predetermined. decisions were made to foster that need and no one and nothing would stand in my way, as i sought to get what i NEEDED. through the window of recovery, what was once black and white, now has an infinite number of shades of grey. i get trapped in that minutia and lose track of the task at hand, fostering my growth as a person. the wide open road of recovery, can be daunting for this addict and when i find myself overwhelmed, which is often these days, i have to rely on what i feel, rather than what i think and feeling my way through to the next right thing, is not easy for me.
as i sit here, preparing to attend my home group, locked to my work, i can remember that i made a choice to further my education, my career and remain in my current job. all of those were good choices and when i choose to “feel” the yoke of being a productive and responsible member of society, all i need to do is to trip back to the reality of what my life looked like, way back when and see that what i have today, is certainly better than the cloudy fantasy of what was.

∞ DT ∞