Blog entry for:

to help me bend with wind that life brings and glory in its passing. yesterday, i did something i have never done before, and more than likely ever do again -- posting that it was my clean date anniversary on a social networking site,.. while it was certainly nice to get all those wishes of love and strokes, i forgot that were members of my family that did not know what was going on with my life. in fact, they barely even realized i did not drink, much less that it had been years since i had partaken of a substance or three. so now that i am ’out‘, so to speak. i think i will let all that knowledge fade into the background noise and return to the quiet noise i make posting a link to this exercise and leave at that.
as i consider rigidity and my desire to be less rigid. i takes me back to where i happen to be in my step work, namely STEP SIX, and the current assignment i have going on actively in my daily life. it has been an interesting assignment, and one that i actually picked up and ran with, from the time it was given to me. i did not need to mull it over for days on end, whine about it, look for a loophole or any of the other sundry distractions that i have been known to use, when it comes to assignments from my sponsor. it has given me a notion or two, that may help some of the men i sponsor to get unstuck in their recovery process as well. my assignment, such as it is, does not explicitly go to the heart of the reading, surrendering to become flexible, but it does fit in without too much of a shoehorn and the SIXTH STEP, certainly goes to the heart of the matter.
honestly, when i was in active addiction, i liked knowing what each day would bring and when it would bring it. using allowed me to survive those random and not so random events that characterized the life's wind in addiction. being the kink of chaos, such as it was, those events had very little to do with the randomness of life and more to do with me stirring the pot. that was excitement, stir the pot, watch it boil over, sit back and reap the rewards AND HOPE NOT TOO MUCH OF THE SH!T GOT ON ME. it was wonderful work when i could get it! however, all that swirling and spinning, made me more and more resistant to the change that living life requires. i did not change, because i DID NOT want to change and took active steps to prevent having to change, hence i became brittle and rigid as well as pessimistic and cynical. and that was that, i had come to accept that, that was as good as it was going to get. then the hurricane i call the justice system swept into my life and all off that got swept away in the course of a few short years. what i was left with, was no defenses and very little to do, but gnash my teeth and wail about the injustice of it all.
what a difference fifteen years make! i can bend with the wind and i am finally seeing that it is my resistance to change that is my greatest obstacle to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. as i get ready to wrap this up, i am also getting a clue or two about what it is i MUST do, to become entirely ready and part of that process, is to allow these winds that seem to be howling around to blow as they will, perhaps even construct a windmill to harness the energy for my benefit and allow what will happen, to happen. in the meantime i do have miles to run, code to write, phone calls to take and living a life that is worth living, just for today. allowing myself to become flexible? well maybe not totally, or maybe not today, but i am willing to allow the change into my life, just this much and no farther today, and that is certainly a start.

∞ DT ∞