โค active addiction left me brittle โฅ
Posted: Sun, Sep 11, 2011 09:45:36 AM
with the merest breath of of the wind of life, i crumbled at last, broken, defeated, with no choice but to surrender. although i was oblivious to how desperate i was, and surrender, total surrender, to the program of recovery was still 13 months away, i was finally broken enough to stay put.
i have often said, that addicts like me, those forced to sit still and stay in the rooms rarely succeed, i am proof that one can walk the path of recovery, regardless of the circumstances that happen to land us here. hindsight, is always nearly perfect and as i sit here fourteen years after my first 24 hours clean, i am struck about what a mess addiction, arrested or active can make in my life. this could be a tearful nostalgic look at the days that have led me to writing this entry, or as i am choosing to do, a look at where i am this morning. it is amazing that once the trivial is swept away on the winds of recovery, how much more there is to see. moving froward from what seems to be a brutal THIRD STEP, i can now see, that i had to go through every moment of it, suffer every single trial, self-imposed or not, before i could see what is really going on. how i am so afraid of being too broken to go any further and get anything more than i have gotten to date. i GET to learn how to walk in FAITH that the POWER that brought me here, allowing me to survive the hurricane force winds of active addiction, will continue to provide EXACTLY what i need, each and every day i stay clean. sure it is tough to live life on it's own terms, it is even tougher to face up to the damage i have done to my life as a result of my resistance to those winds. i hate when i have to look at what i have done to myself, and yet, there is a certain freedom in seeing that there is an alternative. that alternative? not waiting until i have painted myself into corner before letting go of what really is not all that important. as simple as it sounds, and no matter how many times i heave heard those words leave my mouth when sharing with another person, i am always the last to admit, that yes i too, NEED TO SURRENDER MY WILL AND MY LIFE INTO THE CARE OF THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY, PERIOD!
as simplistic as that sounds, that is where my strength to bend with the wind comes form, not from any strength of will i may believe i possess. i have come to a place in my recovery where fighting the part of me i call my addiction, NEEDS to cease. although i have grown beyond the need to ascribe motives to the addict within, there is still part of me that believes that i can battle it on neutral ground with what i have discovered in the course of staying clean. the problem? there will NEVER be neutral ground, and worst off all the weapons i have accumulated, that part of me also has, and ALL of them can be turned against me. so once again, learning to bend, choosing not to fight and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for me, is the easier, softer way.
with that in mind, it is time to get some stuff done before i trapse off to service, and yes it si a good day to be clean.
i have often said, that addicts like me, those forced to sit still and stay in the rooms rarely succeed, i am proof that one can walk the path of recovery, regardless of the circumstances that happen to land us here. hindsight, is always nearly perfect and as i sit here fourteen years after my first 24 hours clean, i am struck about what a mess addiction, arrested or active can make in my life. this could be a tearful nostalgic look at the days that have led me to writing this entry, or as i am choosing to do, a look at where i am this morning. it is amazing that once the trivial is swept away on the winds of recovery, how much more there is to see. moving froward from what seems to be a brutal THIRD STEP, i can now see, that i had to go through every moment of it, suffer every single trial, self-imposed or not, before i could see what is really going on. how i am so afraid of being too broken to go any further and get anything more than i have gotten to date. i GET to learn how to walk in FAITH that the POWER that brought me here, allowing me to survive the hurricane force winds of active addiction, will continue to provide EXACTLY what i need, each and every day i stay clean. sure it is tough to live life on it's own terms, it is even tougher to face up to the damage i have done to my life as a result of my resistance to those winds. i hate when i have to look at what i have done to myself, and yet, there is a certain freedom in seeing that there is an alternative. that alternative? not waiting until i have painted myself into corner before letting go of what really is not all that important. as simple as it sounds, and no matter how many times i heave heard those words leave my mouth when sharing with another person, i am always the last to admit, that yes i too, NEED TO SURRENDER MY WILL AND MY LIFE INTO THE CARE OF THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY, PERIOD!
as simplistic as that sounds, that is where my strength to bend with the wind comes form, not from any strength of will i may believe i possess. i have come to a place in my recovery where fighting the part of me i call my addiction, NEEDS to cease. although i have grown beyond the need to ascribe motives to the addict within, there is still part of me that believes that i can battle it on neutral ground with what i have discovered in the course of staying clean. the problem? there will NEVER be neutral ground, and worst off all the weapons i have accumulated, that part of me also has, and ALL of them can be turned against me. so once again, learning to bend, choosing not to fight and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for me, is the easier, softer way.
with that in mind, it is time to get some stuff done before i trapse off to service, and yes it si a good day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞