Blog entry for:

takes FAITH, in a process i do not understand but have come accept as the easier, softer way for me. i say that without ant qualifiers, caveats or conditions, as i have more than a few examples lately of those who choose to continue to rely and depend on others to “get” through their days. one of those folks is on “ghost” mode for me right now and will remain so until Thursday morning, as they have attempted to enlist me in a scheme to recover something they knew was going to be lost, due to their own actions and decisions. it is amazing that someone would expect me to lie for them, when i returned a single dollar bill i was given in change the other day, just because to was the next correct thing to do. in this period of “radio silence” i get the opportunity to decide what is next phase in that relationship and i am more than confident that the other party may be less than pleased with it. as i alluded to yesterday, i am finally getting a bit of a grip on what i want from my life and my recovery.
leaving behind the stuff that others may wish to impose upon me and moving into the stuff that bubbled up from the depths as i sat and listened this morning, i have been more than jealous and envious of others, as they lived their lives, depending on others, until they sucked them dry and moving on to the next set of “willing victims.” heck, i have been on both sides of that equation, the sucker and the suckee, so i am well-versed in that tango. today, i value myself too much to allow myself to fall into that trap, on either side. i may not be self-reliant or self-sufficient, but i do have the ways and means to support myself and my household and have no qualms about doing so. the envy and jealousy i used to feel and at times still have fleeting glimpses of, is merely wishful thinking that they are getting away with something and seemingly having no consequences. even if the consequences are not as dire as incarceration, institutionalization or death, they cost of depending on others starts to look staggering once i consider what i may end-up “owing” them and in what currency i may have to pay it back.
in my reality, asking for the help of others and support from time to time, is not a bad thing. everyone has moments in their lives when they need more than a bit of help from those with whom they share their lives or even an institution. i do not, however, want to continuously depend on the kindness of strangers or the largess of the government to keep a roof over my head or food in my belly. coming to a place where i understand that supporting myself created freedom, was certainly long in coming and i am grateful today that i can see the strings that may be attached, when allowing myself to be carried away into a situation where i choose not to support myself. in this slice o=f reality, just for today, i will be okay doing my best to support myself and live a program of active recovery, after all, it certainly has done the trick for the past twenty-six years, so there is no reason to walk away from this life, now. 😂

∞ DT ∞