Blog entry for:

irony of recovery may just be the power of surrender to the program, BUT, what i see as ironic is that the harder i work at trying to **get** this recovery gig, the harder it is for me to do so. this morning, or afternoon as the case may be, i am all about taking care of my stuff, starting with getting this little exercise down, while the notions are fresh in my mind. as i was sharing at my home group this morning, what kept coming up for me, was all the feelings that this last year had created and the changes wrought by those feelings. i was pretty rigid and unbending a year ago, and although i would spout off about how much i did not know, i really thought that after twenty-three years clean, i had this life down. ZOOM meetings were working, i had a job that was about to move into its busy period and my life felt secure. sure my Mom was not doing well, but even she was doing better than when i started dropping by, a few months earlier. the end of the year brought all sorts of change to my life and all of a sudden nothing was working for me and as the winds of change ramped up to hurricane force, i felt as if i was going to break.
the good news, is that i survived a FOURTH and FIFTH STEP, the decision to bring my Dad home to die, my Mom's continuing decisions to live her life as she chooses to do and the loss of a job. all of that was more than enough for me to have the desire to escape “real life” and the trials and tribulations of living as an adult. i was flexible enough and well connected enough that i “got” what i needed, as my peers in recovery, gave me their ESH about how they lived through similar situations and not only survived, but actually thrived. it is not at all surprising that i NEVER have had to ask for what i needed, as it was just given to me, seemingly by instinct, from my peers in recovery. it is , as i shared at the meeting this morning that ANY addict, can get this program, with no preconditions, caveats or qualifications.
it is true, i have to spend a couple of hours working today, as i was unable to complete my task yesterday, due to the fact i took off for a meeting in the middle of the day. it is also true, that i have to go out and get some miles done in the heat, as i overslept this morning, due to a brain fart setting my alarm. i CHOSE to take care of that stuff as neither one is something i “have” to do. if i want to be a part of the other 90 - 95 percent, or at least participate in their world i need to accept responsibilty for how i spend my days off. maybe i was wrong when i got started, maybe even for me, surrendering to the next right thing to do, is no different than surrendering to the program. after all in tech speak, the program is the parent and all that the actions i take to live in that manner are descendants of that wellspring of something different. so Hi-Ho it is off to walking i go, just for today, i am okay with how my life looks and feels.

∞ DT ∞