Blog entry for:

i had become obsessed with the raw pleasure of drugs and hardened to all the softer, subtler, more infinitely varied pleasures of the world around me. although i would have told you, very succinctly how flexible i was, and how spontaneously i lived my life, the truth was that i was very inflexible, to the point of being brittle.
so when i read this reading in my annual cycle, it brings up a myriad of different feelings and thoughts. this morning, what struck me was how muck differently i view the world and my place in it today. this morning i feel blessed to be alive and have the desire to live. yes, i know, that is not one of the words i use very often, as the connotations brings up a very specific religious discipline. no i have not turned towards that direction, if anything i am becoming more of a mystic than anything else, and there are very few religious paths that allow for the mystic to flourish, although many pay lip service to that idea. but this is neither the time nor the place to mount that particular soap box.
anyhow where was i, before i launched into my tirade? oh yeah, i was talking about feeling blessed to be alive this morning. i am seven days post-op, off narcotic painkillers and working almost at my normal pace. my bowels are moving a bit too quickly this morning and i am clean and choosing to be in recovery. the past week has been quite a lesson in flexibility, and patience, me wanting to hop up and be off and running like always and my physical body wanting to be a lazy invalid and do absolutely nothing. the battle between these two opposing paradigms has played out in my head and as a result i work until i drop, and bitch and moan about how little i have got accomplished. so toady, it is r5eally time to bend to the winds of life and strike a middle ground between these two opposing viewpoints. i know that is possible and will allow it to happen,
BTW on a side note, the part of me i call my addict is telling me, since i got off painkillers so easily, maybe i am not really an addict after all. ironic how that works -- my evidence for not being an addict is the result of doing the footwork in recovery. it does pose some interesting questions for me this morning, but none that needs to be addressed in the here and now.
a postscript:

--HAPPY CLEAN DATE ANNIVERSARY Tina W -- 10 YEARS CLEAN IS A MIRACLE --

so off to the showers i go.

∞ DT ∞