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one of the greatest challenges for me in recovery, continues to be my rigidity when it comes to my habits, routines, opinions and judgements. when i got to recovery, i certainly believed i **knew** everything i had to **know** and everything else was either redundant, extraneous or just plain wrong, open-mindedness was not a principle i lived by. over time, i have become **more** open-minded, but i still fall-back into old and familiar patterns of thought and resist any change to my current routines, even as i am constantly shown that something may require revision.
a case in point: i received numerous collect calls from an acquaintance, whom i once considered a friend, from their current place of habitation, “The Boulder County Sheriff's Bed and Breakfast.” i did nit take any of those calls, as i do not take any calls while i am working. he certainly knows that prohibition, and yet continues to call. that is what it is, moving on, failing to reach me by telephone, the inevitable letter arrived in my mailbox on Saturday afternoon. it is really a sad affair, speaking of the tragedy of his life and how he REQUIRES assistance to get out of the dungeon of doom he has created for himself. even those he used with are no longer willing to put up with him, and as a result he finds himself alone, having burned his bridges to those he is related to as well to those of us who are still in the rooms. now he truly has no one, and the saddest part is now he comes back asking those he shat upon and spat upon to front for him and get people lined up to provide him his cure to loneliness. there was a time not all that long ago, where i would have jumped to provide him the ways and means to get what he desired, however, having been burned repeatedly, i am not so quick to call in the cavalry and lead them to his rescue. i finally have tired of the bottomless pit of need and have yet to formulate a response to his missive of misery. what i end up doing, will be determined soon, but there is actually no hurry as he is being fed and housed and winter is approaching. right here and right now, waiting to “feel” the answer, is better than rushing to make a decision. what is it that i want from this relationship? i do not know, but i do know what i do not want: a clingy, dependent who is unwilling to stand on their own two feet.
can he get clean and stay clean? that is a question to speaks to my FAITH in the program, which offers a single promise ↪ freedom from active addiction.i certainly have seen many is much worse situations get clean and move into lives that they once envied, hell i am certainly one of those, even if i never ended up sleeping under a bridge in a cardboard box. i was not willing, honest or open-minded and yet her i sit, still clean, still an active participant in my local fellowship and in the best life situation, i have ever been in. i have the life i could never dream of, and even though i would whine with great zeal if i lost it, the most important fact of my life, is that i have been clean for a few days in a row. no one gave me a hand out, but there were certainly many hands offered to help me out, so i am currently stuck on the horns of a dilemma. as i said,, i do not have to do anything about it today, so i think i will wrap this up, grab a shave and a shower and head on down to work, it has been over a week since i was last there. oh yeah, it is a good day to be clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞