Blog entry for:

that the problem lies with me and my attitude. alrighty then, this could be one of those turn that frown upside down, by putting a positive spin on all that happens in my life kind of writing today. honestly that is not who i am. i may have been that sort of person at one time, but it was just a phase i was going through,. the events that happen in my life. are nether good or bad, they just are. i judge them to be good or bad based on feelings. if those events happen to make my life a bit tougher, i judge them to be bad. of course the converse is also true. my level of comfort, material as well as spiritual, helps me to determine if something is good or bad for me,
and for the most part, i am way off base. it might be a good thing to have enough money not to go to work every day, but seriously what would i do, with myself. sit on the couch, watch daytime TV and eat bonbons? of course not, but that bit of hyperbole, is sometimes what i need to get my head snapped back into reality. the truth is, at least how i see it, is that my attitude is a reaction to the FEELINGS i have to the events that comprise my life. when i get to that level, no pop psychology or treatment guru speak is needed. no when i look at it it that level, i can allow myself to be the victim to life's vague and seemingly capricious tides, or i can pick myself up, dust myself off and move on, like most of the rest of the world. i am only a victim when i allow myself to be, and there are times when taking on the mantle of victim-hood and martyrdom, certainly helps me to feel positive and downright merry. my crappy attitude, all boils down to the fact that most of the time, i do not want to take responsibility for my life. i abdicate that to the default outcome and get exactly what i asked for, a pile of sh!t, just because i REFUSE to do the next right thing. i have more than one peer, who show me what it is like to be a victim to the default outcome and live a life filled with irresponsibility. although i know what they are going through and can feel compassionate, there is not a lot of sympathy in my heart for them, and most off the time i feel pity and sadness, when i see what their live become. it is no wonder that some of us, never get the program and a life based on active recovery, it is hard work to do this gig, day after day.
yes, i get jealous of them from time to time, because they can out, drown their sorrows and be right back in again, telling me how bad it is out there. i want to have that freedom, but i know that unlike them, i more than likely lack the courage, strength and fortitude, to come right back again. so for me, the next right thing to do, is to live the life i have been given to the best of my ability, one day at a time. if my attitude gets a bit foul, well there is a step for that, and you know what, maybe on Thursday i will formally be back on it. in the meantime, it is a great day to be clean and to have a life that does not victimize me. i choose the direction i want to take and today it is the path to becoming the man i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞