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everything seems to be working against me. on the flip side, i also sometimes have days where i can do no wrong. in retrospect those times seem to balance out and when i look at the larger picture, i am certain that most of days, are somewhere in between. the reading was not about life on life's terms, but rather how i handled it. by now, if you have been reading this entry on any semi-regular basis, you know that i am a cynic, who celebrates his cynicism. i am also a free-thinker, who detests being stuffed into a mold. so when, on the surface, a reading seems to be a “don't worry, be happy!” sort of reading and that everything will be okay if i look on the bright side of life.
well the Kool-Ade this morning has no appeal to me, so the direction i went, was yes, my attitudes and how i view the events of my day-to-day existence, are a function of how ell i am practicing my recovery. how i am walking the talk, to cite one of those tired but true clichés that riddle the rooms of recovery. so exactly how am i walking the talk? well a using addict, who purports to be a friend, gave me a call last night, well after the time i usually am in bed. apparently he had a disagreement with someone and promptly got deposited miles from anywhere. he called and asked me for as ride to somewhere and i told him i would call him right back. after taking care of my bidness, as it were, i dialed him up and got no answer, so i promptly silenced my phone for the first time in years and went back to bed, and slept deeply and soundly until 5 AM this morning. guess what there were four missed calls on my phone, when i woke up this morning and absolutely no remorse, guilt or shame over my behavior, which for this particular addict, and i am speaking of myself here, is quite an accomplishment. was that the most spiritual thing to do? no it was not, unless you look at the history and context that i have with this particular person.probably for the first time ever, i did not instantly fly out to rescue this particular friend and addict from the consequences of his insanity. for the first time, i did not act in a co-dependent manner and go bring a high and using addict back into my life. for the first time, i said enough and was actually okay with the consequences of that decision, and when this addict calls again, a previous offer will probably be withdrawn, as i have invested enough in a person who refuses to invest anything in himself. no today a new era in this particular relationship dawns and i am disentangling myself from the webs i have woven and allowed to be woven around me. i was about to go on about some conditions, and i realized that i was trying to rationalize and justify away where i am. i made tough decision last night and now i am trying to minimize its impact on me by rationalizing things away.
i could go on and on, but truthfully now i know where i am and where i am going, which is to work it is after all a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞