Blog entry for:

something, anything other than despair and shame. it is true that i felt neither when i came to recovery as obsession and self-centeredness built a wall of denial around any feelings that i might have. as mere abstinence chipped away at that wall and my feelings started to resurface, i thought there were times i was going to be destroyed by the next feeling i had. hardly any sense of freedom., even though i was sort of free from active addiction, at least i was not using. with despair knocking at my door and my ability to white-knuckle my way through another day, declining, i made the decision to accept that i might actual buy what my peers had been trying to sell me, for those eighteen months of misery, a path to a new manner in which to live.
i have to admit, that i am a very hard sell and everything my peers offered, i accepted with a HUGE grain of salt, especially the part that long term, as in more than five years, of recovery could be possible for someone such as myself. as i stayed clean , worked steps and figured out how to fit my life into my recovery, i have experienced all sorts of freedoms. freedom from the abject fear of relapse, being one of the first. do not get me wrong, i have a healthy fear of relapse, as i know that i am just one use away from throwing my recovery away. i am not, as some of my peers often share, living with the Sword of Damocles in the form of relapse, filling every waking moment of my life.
i have also been freed from my desire to use, most of the time. i did have a momentary lapse of reason, back in June when i got my cancer diagnosis and especially after surgery and waiting for the results. i did not, however, crater to the notion that a few hour vacation from reality and recovery would make me feel better. i faced those feelings down and yes they were a Gordian Knot of fear, anxiety, worry, dread, shame and remorse. on this side of that experience i am certainly stronger and willing to continue down the path of dealing with my less than perfect body and whatever steps i need to take to keep myself happy, healthy and sane.
speaking of which, it is time for me to wrap this up and amble into dawn's early light. i am free this morning of my need to please anyone to feel better about myself, but i do need to please myself by doing what i have come to find as a worthwhile activity, walking and running through my neighborhood. i got to run two miles in my workout yesterday and who knows what will happen six days from now, when i make my next attempt at running even further. just for today, i am satisfied with a brisk walk of four miles and the joy and quiet it brings me as i let go of everything else.

∞ DT ∞