Blog entry for:

of what i am pursuing in my recovery.
so here we have yet another **GOD** reading, and this morning, that is not what i heard or what i felt. no, what i felt as i sat and listened was a sense of certainty, that i have not felt in quite a bit of time., the certainly that i am doing what i NEED to do, and that the path i have chosen is the correct path for me. which aligns itself quite nicely, with what the reading seems to be about, extraordinary indications.
sitting here, after a conversation with my significant other this morning, i realize that many come to the program expecting the opportunity to get more than just recovery, they seem to expect friendships, respect, employment, housing and for those of us, who are already here, to bend over backwards to fill these expectations. it is little wonder that so few of those who walk into the rooms, manage to stay around for any length of time. i was certainly one of those, who expected that once i settled in the fellowship would be my oyster, and when i discovered that was not the case, it added to the simmering anger i already felt, to the point that i was certain once my external situations had changed, i would waltz out the door and be gone. somewhere, somehow, all of that changed, and it was probably once i realized that all i was ever promised was FREEDOM from active addiction. what a difference form what i expected to get.
today, i have that FREEDOM and as a result, i have lots of other stuff as well, including a very rich spiritual experience. sure i have drifted away from the main stream in how and what i see as my spiritual experience, but at its core that experience in really not that much different and it boils down to two notions. the first being that without the influence of an outside POWER greater than addiction, i would be using again. secondly, if i allow that POWER to work in my life and allow myself to pay attention to what that POWER is telling me, i will get whatever it is, i need to stay clean today. those seem to be the tenets of my FAITH today, and as i diligently practice the STEPS, they seem to come true.
as i sat this morning, i felt that POWER and it brought me to the point of remembering what it was once like to feel hopeless and worthless, such as my friend, who once again finds himself incarcerated. i heard that in his voice the other day when he spoke, and i am not certain i have anything left to give him. that too, is sometimes the true nature of my experience, that there is only so much for me to give. as i start to wind this down, i walk away with a sense, that the theme for today, is to give all that i have, whether or not i think i have anything to give. it is a good day to be clean and to enter the world of being part of, instead of separate, unique and totally self-entitled and self-absorbed.

∞ DT ∞