Blog entry for:

of GOD*s presence in my life are not what i expected as i found a spiritual path that finally fit me. i am not a person who walks around with his head in the clouds proclaiming my gratitude to a HIGHER POWER and accepting everything that comes down the pike, as part of GOD*s will for me. i am less than enamored with the mystery and pageantry of some spiritual paths and do not seek to “signs” from divine sources that i am doing the next thing right. all that being said, meditation is the vehicle i use to elevate myself above the profane, mundane world in which i live.
so my phone rang at 4:30 AM this morning and since i am so obsessed with having a clue who is calling, the ring tone indicated it was a member of my family. it was my Dad calling to tell me that my Mom was once again on her way to the hospital, this time because she was having difficulty breathing. this is the third time in the past six weeks, she has made that journey, each time for a different acute symptom, each as dire as the last time. i have called and spoken to my Dad, and Mom is doing okay and already having the desire to go home, as she has a “hair and nails” appointment tomorrow. if anyone asked me, i would say that she needs to stay put until they can figure out what is really going on with her, healthy people do not take ambulance rides to the hospital with such frequency. of course she is a grown-ass woman, so my opinion is practically irrelevant. here is certainly something i need to accept and let go of the notion that i have any power over what my Mom and Dad decide to do. as i sat this morning, i was surprised that i could listen and be calm long enough to “feel” what i needed to hear.
i can say that meditating about the benefits of meditation does allow some interesting notions to bubble up to the surface. where there was once worry and anxiety about whether or not my Mom had corona virus and was going to be one of those on a respirator, i felt calm reassurance that no matter what, i was going to be okay and perhaps it was too early to be headed down that path. my job is to be present for “whatever” happens and support my parents in their decisions over how they deal with my Mom's health issues. my job is to provide for my family, do my work, live a program of recovery and not draw back into the shell i once constructed, no matter how tempting that last option may feel. i will carry my phone with me this morning as i do my daily workout. i will call my parents again in a few hours. i will live this day as planned, until i get indications that maybe, just maybe, what i have planned is not to be. this just for today stuff is hard, in the here and now, but it is all i am really sure about, just for today.

∞ DT ∞