Blog entry for:

...perfect or that i have been somehow **cured**. they are tastes of the source of my recovery itself, encouraging me to continue walking a spiritual path. okay, this is hard to say without coming off arrogant or even worse, totally off my rocker, but sometimes i do hear the so-called "voice of GOD," when i am meditating. no there is no actual booming loud voice that tells me what to do, nor is there a burning bush accompanied by thunder and lightening. there is however, a calm assurance that what i happen to be feeling is somehow from outside of me and beyond my normal comprehension. these experiences used to shake this former agnostic to my very core, and there were times when i thought about seeking the help of a mental health professional to see if somehow i was going absolutely fVcking nutz!
i have come to realize, that such experiences are one of the reasons i continue doing what i have been doing, namely walking a path of spiritual enlightenment, that i used to dismiss as superstitious claptrap. more often than not, all i get out of meditation is a quiet time, when the thoughts that are me, have a chance to be stilled for whatever brief time i can accomplish in that instance. it is those times that fill my experience and make me wonder if i am doing it right, the meditation part, not the spiritual journey of the 12 steps. so when i get that feeling of assurance and a sense of knowing exactly the next right thing to do, it still jars me out of my complacency and makes me crave even more.
this particular reading puts all of that into perspective, and as always, until i actually had one of those moments i put this into the "yeah, yeah, yeah" category, maybe for someone else, but not for me. because of my experience, i do not usually tell others why i close my eyes and sit quietly in meetings between the sharing of other members. nor do i shout from the mountain top how profound and earth-shattering these experiences are for me. truthfully, they embarrass me, as they are difficult to fit into a rational explanation of life the universe and everything. no matter how i slice it, i cannot make my world view, or at least my world view before i started walking this journey accommodate such experiences. there are no mind altering substances in my body, i am not under the duress of forced fasting, nor am i suffering days without end of no sleep. so like everything else in recovery, that i cannot fit into a rational scheme of things, i just accept it for what it is, an experience beyond my ken, real, but unexplainable. like the junkie that i am, i want more of these experiences, and i know i could seek them through any one of a number of extreme spiritual paths, but i do believe that i will just walk the path i have been given by the fellowship, and let go of the results.
BTW, this was not one poof those mornings, in fact this morning i could barely shut-down at all. discouraging as that may sound, i am not discouraged at all. i know that this will happen again, and all i have to do, is keep doing what i have been doing, and i will once again have this profound spiritual event occur for me. so it is off to the shower and into this cold, gray morning to see what i can get done today.

∞ DT ∞