Blog entry for:

must be obvious, otherwise i will simply walk away. well that is not quite accurate, i struggled with a spiritual path for fifteen years and did not give up. i worked hard to meditate for a mere five minutes once a day and i did not give up. i angrily complied with coming to meetings and white-knuckle abstinence for eighteen months and did not give up. the results of all of those examples of behaving my way to better thinking is evident today, although in real-time, i was really unable to find any peace in the lack of those results. sure, i stayed clean and escaped the clutches of the 20th Judicial District, but staying clean and acting as-if to minimize unacceptable consequences, really did not prepare me for the spiritual side of recovery. when the final bell tolled for my sentence, i chose to remain in recovery, so even though i may have missed the spiritual bus, there was enough of a result to keep me in the middle of the boat, as it were.
today, i GET to have a life beyond my wildest dreams, in all sorts of different aspects. yes, i have the desire to be richer, younger and better looking, but all of that is just fantasy. what is not fantasy is that i have found a measure of peace and balance in my life that never was present before. once i let go of who i was not and embraced who i was becoming, meditation became almost effortless and it dovetailed nicely with the spiritual path i had finally come to see as the ONE for me. being stuck on the THIRD STEP, and yes i am, there is a level of shame. my expectation for myself would have been to breeze through this step and be writing another FOURTH STEP, but the nature of my prayer keeps tripping me up. somewhere inside i feel a betrayal to myself as i find comfort in the affirmation that twice daily prayer brings to my life. unlike my peers, who stumble on the meditation portion and embrace prayer, i am stuck in the dilemma of stepping out of what i know, into something so new and different that FEAR dominates my inner self, when i even consider leaving prayer behind, or integrating int into a spiritual path that does not have prayer. life in my real world just happen to suck, as i am stuck here, and i keep listening for the solution that does not come. perhaps that is the solution, let go, do what feels correct and see what the results are. i do not need to be a perfect adherent to any path, save for the path of recovery that has brought me to this place.
i could continue whining about what i do not feel and what i FEAR, but to what point. it certainly will not make me feel any different, nor will it propel me into a solution of any sorts. now i have come to the fork in the road, looking for results and walking away if i cannot unconverted any results. no, not my block on my THIRD STEP, but whining about my block on the THIRD STEP and the manageability and insanity it is causing in my otherwise mostly serene self. which brings me to a decision, do i trust in the FAITH i have built and let go? which brings me to the crux of the THIRD STEP: can i let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to do for me, what i cannot do for myself? certainly more than enough for this addict to chew on this fine Mother's Day. with that i do believe i will step out and see if i can be present for my family, my peers and my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞