Blog entry for:

losing or being wrong -- and, worst of all, admitting it! -- defied the very core of my being. that same defiance still echoes through my life and my recovery today. i do, however, surrender more quickly that which belongs solely to the POWER that fuels my recovery. i am also much quicker to see what is not mine to hold on to and the damage i do to myself when i choose to do so. there is more than a bit of good news in this regard, as i live an active program of recovery, more and more of that defiance slips away and i take more and more responsibility for the decisions and actions i take on a daily basis.
which brings up the topic of my Mom and my niece. when they were together, the tow of them played off of each other as a practiced duet. each was dependent upon the other to do what they were unable or unwilling to do and both played the game to isolate their little tango into a void that only contained the two of them. as a result, many half-truths, myths and tales of woe, suffering and martyrdom were spun into their little heads and repeated often enough to become the “truth.” Mom took hers to her grave, my niece, however used the ninety days of having my Mom's empty house to herself, to polish her's into a bright and shiny shield against the world and anyone who may come close enough to see the truth. the end result was that she left her self very little time to get ready to face the world., and i got to be the monster under the bed that prevented her from moving on. i certainly laughed heartily when she responded to my question about getting a job with righteous indignation, saying “how dare i suggest she find a job!”
for me, i am sad that i allowed my niece to drive the wedge between my Mom and i much deeper than it was, using the excuse of her poorly socialized dawg, to not and stop and see how my Mom was doing. i contributed to the problem and did so through my conscious choices. i can sit here and beat myself bloody about the head and shoulders, or i can move forward, find the ways and means to forgive myself and allow my niece to spin what she chooses to spin about her perceived victimhood and martyrdom. i kind of wonder what she will scream about when she receives next to nothing from my Mom's estate. that is, however, something i can certainly surrender into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and be okay with, just for today.

∞ DT ∞