Blog entry for:

my spiritual experiences. when is a meditation reading not a meditation reading? when i sit and everything i hear is about anything BUT meditation! what i **heard** this morning, was a resonance from what i heard last night at the meeting, that one can recover, no matter where one starts at. for the first time this week, i did not have to sort the wheat from the chaff and i walked out with a sense of hope and serenity, which fop r me is hard to come by these days, from most of the meetings i attend. i hate to admit it, or maybe i do not, that lately i am one of the still suffering addicts at most of the local meetings and i get little or nothing from what i hear shared, either those that are posing as something more or who believe using the group as a therapist is recovery. i am not saying the supreme nor the groundhog day have not earned their seats and have no right to share what they share, all i am saying is for me, it just does not cut it. which is my loss not theirs, as they are quite clueless about how self-entitled and selfish they are being, for the sake of hearing their own voice. the silver lining in this cloud-filled sky, is that as an addict, i am becoming more aware of what i share and more aware of the fact that if i need therapy, i will pay for it and that i no longer need to pretend to have all the answers. in fact, what i have been seeing lately is that as i stay clean, i see how much more i have yet to learn and reading what is on the page, rather than what i think is on the page, is a good place to start. what the fVck does this have to do with the seed i started this whole exercise off with, anyhow❗❓
what i am starting to get a sense of, and was driven home last night, is that i have built up a set of expectations about my peers. i desire that they always share honestly and openly about living within their spiritual experience and when they do, i feel betrayed and angry. i certainly do not like to see those on the edges of recovery pair off and dos-i-doh off to parts unknown and i hate to see those on DRT front that they actually have recovery. neither fo those cases make me angry, that is, as it has always been and the excuses that fly out of both of those groups of my peers are always the same, somehow, that is the fault of anyone and everyone else. here i sit blaming another set of my peers, for “making” me angry, when in fact, they are probably doing the best that they can do, and it hardly measures up to the standards i set for myself. yes, i am angry because they do not meet the set of standards i have put in place for myself. talk about double-secret probation, they FAIL, just taking their next breath and i become one of the SUPREME, all without uttering a single syllable❗ where does all this chiding and self-abasement lead to?
now that i am done puking and starting to see that i DO have unmet expectations, where do i begin to start to redefine my spiritual experience so it is less chafing and austere? the FIRST STEP, naturally, as the steps have always been a guide to my spiritual growth. the posers, the therapy seekers, the SUPREME and those on the edges all have within them the same capacity to change that i possess. my job is to identify what that capacity looks like inside of me and find the means to share it with my peers. i know that there are some, who find my gritty and cynical view of life in recovery not “positive” enough for them. i need not address them or anyone else, my message is for me, and my spiritual experience is for myself. as i move from a place where i need to seek outside approval, or get outside attention, to a quiet more assured means of finding what i need, from within my spiritual practice, i find myself resistible. i chafe under that yoke, because i want to be what i have always been. as my identity starts to shift i feel the FEAR that manifests as part of the change process. today what i seek is relief from my self-obsession and what i feel is a sense of desperation, that somehow i will come up short. i will just have to live in the HOPE, that if i walk my path, i will become who i have always wanted to be and what i do not need, will be jettisoned along the way. it is after all a good day to walk a path of active recovery.

∞ DT ∞