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must show in my daily life. the question then becomes, who do i detect that evidence. the captain obvious answer is to stop doing it and see what happens. yes that is one way, unfortunately that is not an option i would choose to exercise today. for me the whole value of meditation is more like boiling a frog. as i participate in the daily practice of sitting quietly day after day, my spiritual life gets incrementally, nearly imperceptibly, better. all of those incremental changes add up and all of a sudden, when i look back, i have had a spiritual experience. of course such a contrast and compare experience has to start with ones upon a time.😉
seriously though, for me, the whole spiritual side of this process is a mystery. i know that IF i do what has been suggested, to the best of my ability, the consequences are more than pleasant and worth continuing the practice. the truth is, i am still the same physical being that walked into the rooms, all those days ago, spiritually and emotionally is where the change has been manifest. no matter how much i seem to grow, i am very intolerant of those who walk into our meetings, thinking that they are doing the members in attendance some sort of favor. case in point, last night we had a “visitor” from another fellowship who made sure all in the room know how long it had been since their last drink. they spoke of how far they had not come even with all of that time since that last drink and then alluded to another member's share, misstating the facts that were plainly evident. in my head, their very presence was disturbing, but to open their mouth and show how ignorant and unconscious and disrespectful they could be, only raised my passion to ire. i am glad i am able to keep calm and do a spot meditation. when i shared i shared the basic of the program, namely that there is but one promise here and the FREEDOM we are promised is not from “addictions” or substances. i doubt our “visitor” got it, but what i shared was for my peers and for myself, to remind me that this spiritual path is the ONE i chose. it is true i started out in another 12 step tradition and no one kicked me out. if i had to attend a meeting there, i would mostly stay quiet, as i respect them and their traditions too much to be disrespectful to them. it is just who i am today and although we welcome anyone into our rooms, my hope is that of our “visitor” comes back they learn to sit down shut up and listen to what we have to offer.
which brings me around to another point, even though i need to be packing this up and heading out.this too could start with “once upon a time,” but i will leave it at that. when i was abstinent, before i decided to actually work the program and become a member, i was clueless that i was in that spiritual state. i had no willingness, very little honesty and was closed minded. i thought i had enough information from going to meetings, treatment and chatting casually with my peers. in fact, i thought i was smarter than the rest, and this gig would be over in less than six months. when i came home after my little experiment of being with a using friend, in the same room as a substance i was and probably still am quite fond of, i knew that finally i had proven to myself that i did NEED a program of recovery and had finally taken STEP ZERO. i may have come home clean, but i was far from serene and when i took a sponsor in this fellowship and started to work the steps as a recovering addict and not some sort of hyphenated conglomerate, i started that pot boiling. i have peers who feel comfortable in any 12 step meeting, and i applaud them for that. for me, the difference is way too extreme and i cannot sit there and listen to recovering people share with such a narrow focus. for me, it was not the substances that made me an addict, it is what i inherently am, and as such it needs to be treated on that level and not piecemeal substance by substance, behavior by behavior. i am grateful i have freedom from active addiction today and that the fellowship i participate in and the recovery path i follow, says that is the ONLY thing that is promised to me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞