Blog entry for:

ability to listen was what decades of being slavishly self-centered created. although i am not all that certain, that i listened very well before i ever used that very first time, but of course i could say i was only a child, way back then. this is a topic i often times feel i can skim past, after all, with the amount of clean-time i have accumulated and the fact that men ask me to sponsor them and they stick with me, i MUST have this ability down. with that in mind, there must really be nothing i can add, except piling on the bandwagon and tooting my own horn about how freaking well i do this. for the most part, that is all true, BUT, and yes it is a big one, for me anyhow i need to examine whether or not this particular learned behavior could use a bit of work. in my experience, i more than likely still what i want to hear from those who happen to be on my “naughty list.”
before i take a deep dive into actions and motives i need to do a bit of a shout out:

Linda L,
Congrats on 15 (XV) years clean.
I am glad you came to be part of my life and STAYED!

where was i? oh yeah, my active listening filters and how they apply. for the men i sponsor, my Friends and loved ones, active listening is nearly always my default mode. over the course of my recovery i have come to learn that if i want to be respected and listened to, then i have to be respectful and present in conversations. i am far from perfect in this endeavor, but certainly light-years away from where i started. when it comes to my newest peers, especially if they have been “around the program for any period of time.” i find myself focusing on the messenger and not the message they are carrying, especially if the message i “hear” sound all preachy and riddled with clichés. i do realize that by counting them out, because of my personality, i may be missing something important for my recovery, but i ask myself, am i really? it is probably the reason recalcitrant retreads do not find my company acceptable and i certainly need to look at my part in those relationships and let go of what i think i know and open my heart and mind to what i may be able to learn.
today i will be my first summit attempt in the hiking boots that caused me to lose two toenails the last time i hiked in them. i have the hope that is i feel similar pain as i am hiking that i will stop and return to the base of the hike, so i can remove the offending boots. what i FEAR, is that i will “tough guy” through it, instead of admitting “de-feet” and surrendering to the fact that i actually do NEED new boots. time will tell and just for today, i can be alright with possibly not accomplishing all that i set out to do.

∞ DT ∞