Blog entry for:

at the very least, with frustration and impatience.
and i have made my share of them even today. gasp i hear you think, someone with a bit of time in the program can still make mistakes? and the answer is yes it is not only possible but without a doubt highly probable, on a daily basis.
so where is the HOPE in that statement? well for me the HOPE comes when i realize that there are three categories of mistakes i can be making. the first is those that are part of the human condition such as locking my keys in the car in the jail parking lot this morning. in my distraction i locked my car door with the keys in the ignition -- and the worse part was i had to ask the for help from the sheriffs department to get them out. so i had to own a mistake and ask for help in correcting the situation, two very difficult things to do for this addict.
the second category is making a mistake when i try and do something i have never done before, such as consider how to write a workshop for a hot button topic. i may totally blow it and the workshop may blow up in my face, but today i am willing to try and see what happens.
and the final category are those mistakes i keep making over and over again. while an example does not spring instantly to mind, i am sure that there will be more than one of those today, whose presence will be revealed when i take my daily inventory, and the day is still quite young.
so out of those three categories the first can provide HOPE in that i am just human, subject to ALL the frailties of the human condition such as forgetfulness and distraction. when i accept that, i can forgive myself and move forward -- getting better at loving myself because i am human not in spite of being human.
the second category provides HOPE in that i am trying to do something more than in my past. even if i stumble in the attempt, at least i tried to the best of my ability.
the third is the trickiest, for here is the ammunition the part of me i call my disease needs to show me that this whole recovery gig does not work. i am still repeating my past instead of learning from it. so i am still insane even after years of being clean, therefore what is the point. the HOPE in this category is that i can see these mistakes for what they are, forgive myself and do my best to learn how not to make them tomorrow.
so there is HOPE for this addict after all, one day at a tiome i can learn to accept and deal with my mistakes and become more than i ever was. only the next twelve or so hours will tell, after that i get to start over in a whole new day.
so back to the catch-up game and off to work. and you know what, i am right where i am supposed to be!

∞ DT ∞