Blog entry for:

is one of the weapons i use against myself on a daily basis. each time i repeat a behavior and get results contrary to my wishes, i can place one more black mark in my internal permanent record. every time i act in a less than spiritual manner, another tick mark gets added to the naughty column. each time i forget part of the daily routine of my recovery, yet another derogatory entry. and there is never any balance in this little record, this is the accumulation of evidence that i am beyond the ability to grow spiritually. this little black book is pulled out as needed by the part of me i call my disease and used against whenever i am in times of change, indecision or internal chaos. it will be the rationalize for any relapse i may find myself in. and after long consideration it will be the basis of my decision not top return to recovery.
understanding all of this is nice, but what exactly does this have to do with the reading this morning? well, actually a whole lot! instead of using my mistakes as evidence against me, i need to find a way to see the positive side of the little faux pas that fill my daily life. that does not mean to walk through life with blinders on, as to the damage i am doing myself and others, glibly dismissing my behaviors under the guise of being ‘only human’ or even worse ‘just another addict’! no what it means is that i look at each of my mistakes and try to learn how not to repeat them in the future. i examine my feelings and actions and see if they really match the person i have become. and i look for the means to forgive myself for being ‘only human,’ after all the day i become perfect will be the day i have recovered, and based on my current behaviors, thoughts and feelings, that day is no where close today. BUT, I am one day closer to that event than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞