Blog entry for:

mistakes are often THE best teachers. well to beat a very dead horse, once again i come back to the chaos of last week. maybe not quite that far back, the mistake i made on Sunday afternoon was believing that eight shots of espresso would not affect my sleep on Sunday night. one of my favorite baristas made a mistake and made me two drinks and charged for one. being the person i am, and not wanting anything to go to waste i enjoyed them both! well, the result was i fell asleep at my normal time, but could not stay asleep, and hence i was way over tired all day yesterday, and drove my girl friend out of bed with my incessant snoring last night. i knew when i drank that overage, there would be consequences,, i forgot that they would continue for 30 hours or so, and thus i acted on the insanity of thinking something different would occur.
this morning, i am well rested, heading to Boulder on the bus, and have some ideas of HOW to be a part of the solution at work. i have a question or two to ask the server side guys, but once i get those answered i will be able to proceed. basically, the mistake i made the past few days was that i thought i could alter a function, when what is needed is a new approach to getting the desired result.
going back in time, part of me wants to believe that someone else gets that they are not the center of my universe. they certainly did not hear what they wanted to hear on Sunday, and more than likely feel abandoned by me. that is what it is, part of me wants to reach out and take back all the responsibility i abdicated the other day. part of me is still pissed that i was even asked to take on someone else's responsibility. the part of me that is active recovery is certain that i did the right thing for myself, as well as that other addict. the insanity here has been, because i assumed all this responsibility in the past,there is an expectation that i will continue to do so now and in the future. they have more than a single unmet expectation because of my past behavior. the damage has been done, cleaning up that damage is far from easy or painless, i have finally yanked the band-aid off, and now that wound can heal. the big thing for me, is that i do not feel guilty about what i did on Sunday, my remorse was that i allowed an expectation to be created, because i was so sick. curiously, more and more, i am seeing how co-dependency and my NEED to be approved of, play into my life. it is that approval seeking behavior and trying to look better than i am, that is playing to the self-centered core of my addiction. if someone depends on my, than i have power. when i have power over someone else, whether or not it is something that i came by honestly, such as helping another as they recover from surgery, i feel better about myself. i am back in the spin that being powerful boosts my self-esteem and choosing how to apply that power makes me feel god-like.
SICK -- SICK -- SICK
where do i go from here? well into my eighth step, as i have finally seen what it is that is blocking me from becoming the man i have envisioned. this notion has been noodling around my head for quite some time, but the clarity i have this morning seem to be something entirely new and different, when it is not.
i know where i am now, and i even have a clue or two about how to move forward. there will be no rescues today, i will not take on stuff that is not mine an i will be responsible for my life and my will, by surrendering them into the care of the POWER that fuel my recovery. yes back to a basic principle that has allowed me the strength to get more than i ever believed was possible. it is a great day to be an active part of my recovery.

∞ DT ∞