Blog entry for:

and expecting different results.
i know, i know in 12 recovery programs this is THE definition, and while i do not disagree, my perspective these days is a bit more broad than it used to be, and i no longer march lock-step with the party line in all regards. this is a good thing and it certainly does go with the flow of the reading this morning. DO NOT GET ME WRONG HERE, i am still quite conservative in what i think the program is and how to work it, i still believe that all this softer, kinder , gentler bullsh!t is just something foisted upon my fellowship by the addiction treatment industry and not something that has come about because of a need to change what the program is and how it works.
anyhow, time to get off my soapbox and hit the meat of what i heard this morning. what i heard was, that mistakes are not a sign that something is wrong with me, unless they are mistakes i have already experienced. a stupid as it sounds, putting my hand on to a lit stove burner, just to test if it is hot, is not that much different from some of the stuff i choose to do. what the REAL problem is, is that i have the ability to disguise and camouflage these familiar painful behaviors so i do not APPEAR to be stumbling down the same path.

• sick relationship? -- well maybe i am well enough to handles it now.
• degrading myself? -- well it is better than being lonely
• sharing just to hear the sound of my own voice? -- well EVERYONE NEEDS TO LISTEN TO ME, after all I DO HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY

…and the list goes on and on, all of it completely nuts and yet when the idea pops into my head, it sounds so rational, and reasonable that i can hardly resist.
i know i am not the only one who trips merrily down this lane, and as a result, there are many wickedly ironic and hilarious tales to tell when a group of us get together. where, however is the HOPE? if i am still fVcking insane, what is the point anyhow? the point is that, as i do this recovery gig, on a daily basis, just for today, i GET to learn how to make new mistakes because i try out new behaviors and ideas. as i live this program, i come to desire FREEDOM from the insanity that plagues me, and see a new way of living that includes me choosing NOT TO ACT in those old familiar, yet painful ways. the HOPE is that as i learn from my mistakes, i can see how not to make them in the future. most importantly i GET to have the ability to discern what are really mistakes and what are just the results of the human condition. not putting myself out there, may make me lonely, BUT i will never get hurt either. the insanity here, is looking at the pain of a relationship as a mistake, when it actually is the result of human interaction. what i really NEED to look at, is this relationship based on equality and can i be proud to tell someone else that i am part of this relationship?
today, well i am ready to try a few new things as the day goes forward. can i expect to do them perfectly, not unless i have graduated from the human condition. i can expect to give them a whirl and evaluate whether or not i want to do them again in the future. and if those things i try result in a mistake, i HOPE i can learn form that experience instead of using it as evidence that i am just as sick as i was the day i walked into the rooms.
off to the showers and into the world to see what i can learn today.

∞ DT ∞