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that i am stuck, was not what i expected as i sat down and **listened** this morning. i have often commented on my peers and how in my not so humble opinion they are **stuck** in their recovery journey. here i sit, stalled out on my step work, feeling as if i cannot move forward, but not enjoying the results of being where i am. here is where i would drop in the world famous, **at least i am not...** line and totter off to my next notion.
the “symptoms” for me anyhow, is a general emotional malaise and taking on stuff that is not mine, with extreme prejudice. i find myself judgemental at meetings and tuning out on what some of my peers are sharing because i assume that when they open up their mouths, they are going to drop the same old, trite, cliché-ridden stuff that they “always” do. i find myself engaging in “magical” thinking, wishing my way to a better me. the litany of symptoms goes on and on. i am addressing them, by going to a shit-ton of meetings, working on the theory of recovery through ASS-mosis.
😭 😭 😭
the HOPE for this addict anyhow, is to take action and do a bit of writing. or perhaps, call my sponsor and let him know that i may be staying clean, but i certainly do not feel as if i am progressing on my recovery journey. i am having a biopsy of my prostate this morning and the results are already triggering a reservation: if i have cancer, why bother taking care of myself, in any manner. i might as well enjoy the “good times” while they last and get myself on the path to be “comfortably numb,” so i do not regret the end of my life. quite fatalistic and definitely darker than i want to be this morning, but certainly where i am.
what is this addict to do? well i have finished my prep and think i will take a quick tour of the hood, just because it feels like the next right thing to do. perhaps sweating like a stuck pig will relieve a bit of my anxiety about the unknowable future and what the results of my biopsy will show. right here and right now, i am grateful i have the presence of mind to know what i am feeling and get it down into the bits and bytes that i post to cyberspace.

∞ DT ∞