Blog entry for:

mistakes often shows my willingness to try something different. every now and again, i actually GET to hear exactly what the reading was all about, and do not need to work JEDI mind tricks to fit what i heard, into what i read. i can certainly say, that this morning, what i heard and what read were aligned. before i get rolling too far down the line:

Happy Mother's Day,
to my Mom and all those who happen to be Mothers as well.
I know without the loving support i received back in the day,
more than likely i would not be able to reach out and touch you all today.
THANKS MOM!

making mistakes, i hate it,PERIOD! once upon a time, i believed i never made mistakes and the JEDI mind tricks of denial, justification and rationalization, prevented me from owning them or even admitting to them. it was, at least in my fantasy world, quite inconceivable that i would be wrong, so there has to be causes and condition, beyond my power, or they were not actually mistakes, they were exactly what needed to happen. to say that i stubbornly grasped on to that notion, with a tenacity that resembled Scrooge with his money, would be an understatement. i just could never be wrong.
early recovery, in those days before i became a member so i use that term quite loosely today, was no different. it was the rooms and the members who made me an addict, my admission to the judge was just to find an easier softer way through the tangled maze that is the justice system. what that admission led to, however, has become the greatest gift of my life. i GET to make mistakes today, and if i let go of my expectation of always being right, i may actually learn from those very things that caused me shame and tarnished my self image, MISTAKES!
oops, i have gone off the track here.
my belief structure, especially about who i was and what i thought i knew, had to undergo some serious demolition, and it seems that the process i resisted so hard for those first eighteen or so months of my recovery journey, is still part of the process today. what i was and what i am, still, have much in common, even though the belief structure i arrived with, has been quite altered across this journey. honestly, it was not until last set of steps, until i became comfortable practicing a daily 10TH step. oh, i said i took a daily inventory in my head, but the reality was, for me, it was hit or miss and most times a miss. the BIGGIES, those mistakes that caused all sorts of damage would glare violently in my head and had to be dealt with, and they were, promptly and with great aplomb. the little transgressions across my day, not so much. most of those little ones, were my attempts to try something different, or getting stuck in a belief structure that no longer existed, trapped as it were in the pit of despair that was left behind.
as i move into this next set of steps, i am certain i will make a mistake or two, as i look to the spiritual practices i do obsessively and automatically. everything is on the table this time through, and i have a bit of trepidation about messing with the stuff that has worked, since way back when, even when those practices i adopted religiously, before i believed they applied to me. that however is not what my current assignment is all about. so i making the mistake of future-fVcking myself, getting all wrapped up in what i think may be coming down the pike, instead of what is here and now. on that note i think i will wrap this up, go spend some time with the family and see what i can get accomplished before i sit down and figure oiut what went right and what went wrong across my day today.

∞ DT ∞