Blog entry for:

repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results. no matter who said it first, and it was probably NOT Albert Einstein. the fact remains that IF i CHOOSE to live in that house of pain, making the same mistakes time and again, then perhaps i really am certainly not in my right mind. to that end i have just informed my niece that the only way i will interact with her, is through e-mail, no txts, no calls, no IMs or DMs. my insanity is that every single time i interact with her lately, in real time, i end up twisted and twisting through my reactions to what she is asking for, whether or not i choose to give it. it is not what she says, what she does or how she treats me that gets me rolling, it is my own head space that wonders if i did the correct thing, said the magic words or was a bit to harsh in telling the truth. it was finally time for me to cut that cord and experience a bit of freedom from myself and my reactions to our interactions. to do anything less at this time would have played right into my insanity, proving to myself, once again, i was “broken beyond all repair.”
my allusion to the quote i used to seed this little exercise in emptying my trash, spoke directly to me this morning, as my pulse rate screamed up to 100 when i thought about my niece, even though it had been twelve hours since our last interaction. i know the “it's not you, it's me” paradigm is a bit cliché and trite, even when it is true. i do not expect her to change to suit my needs, therefore, if i want peace of mind and piece of mind, than i need to take the steps required to foster those desires. some of the time, it really is all about me.
moving into my day, the insanity of my work project is starting to wear me out. i have one thing to “fix” today and this is a place where i have been before and fVcked up. today, i will save my work, in its current state, so i can return to what i know is mostly working. as with everything else in my life, when i find myself going around in circles, something has to change, and that something is me, as i am more than likely in another instance of my insanity. today, i am working to recognize where i lack sanity and make the moves towards eliminating that from my life.

∞ DT ∞