Blog entry for:

i tend to see my mistakes as evidence that i am still sick, crazy, stupid, or too damaged to recover. yes, i still hate to make mistakes, part of it comes from my desire to APPEAR better than human, some sort of super human, perfect creature, that does not fail. although that could be an appearance that is easily maintained just by not trying anything new, or taking absolutely no risks, that sort of life would more than likely wear on me as well. so where do i find the balance between my desire to appear infallible and my desire to grow and try new and different things. the truth, when i find out i will let you KNOW!
actually that is more than a bit of hyperbole, i find in the steps the reduction of my NEED to appear unblemished. as i learn what humility is, and where i fit into the world around me, the need to appear less fallible than everyone else is diminished, along with my need to be always right, and my opinion that somehow i have a lock on the TRUTH. i can tell you, that over the course of my recovery, this reading has been more than a bit problematic for me. the fact, that as i read it this morning and it elicited feelings of gratitude rather than getting knickers in a bun, is a sign of what direction i seem to be going. it was not quite a ‘preaching to the choir’ kind of entry. i still have strong feelings against making mistakes and the fact is that those feelings, while being diminished, will probably never be entirely removed. HOWEVER what i have discovered over the course of the last seven months or so, is that taking risks and owning my mistakes is worth the consequences. it is true that the risks i have taken in my relationships may never pay off in the way i want, but what i have received is FREEDOM from slavery to my behavior in those relationships. i can now choose where to set the boundary, i can choose to negotiate what is and what is not proper behavior, and most importantly i can walk away emotionally, albeit with some regret, when the relationship becomes too sick to be repaired. the mistakes that i have made in that learning process have been many, but as with any new skill-set, that is to be expected, and i look back on those mistakes without any shame or guilt, i did the best i could with the skills i had. as i grow, and learn to deal with my new skills, i will do better, especially in recognizing when i am once again in an inequitable relationship. i have reached the point where what i desire of friends is also what i require, and anything less, is unacceptable. my mistakes have all centered on how i handle the feelings associated with such rude awakenings, and how to push the boundaries out to where they need to be.
so anyhow, it is time for my morning tour of the neighborhood, and yes i have made more than my fair share of mistakes with this activity also. that does not keep me from still trying to run, it just means i need to accommodate the fact that i am no longer twenty years old, and i am subject to injuries which take time to be repaired. as such, while i am meeting my goals i have had to postpone my dream for a year. be that as it may, i will get better, and i have the path to the FREEDOM that i need today, it is called the steps and the program of the fellowship that has given me a new manner of living.

∞ DT ∞