Blog entry for:

...i did not know precisely whom i had injured. i found that there were so many people i had victimized that i might never remember them all. that is why i have a sponsor upon whom i depend to show me the way to make these amends. although i have worked this step before, under the guidance of a sponsor, i always start to freeze like a deer in headlights when i start the eight step. i know i tell my sponsees to work the eight like there is no ninth and yet, ironically, i find myself in that same spot. what is getting to me, as i start my eight step, is FEAR of the as yet unrevealed harm that i have perpetrated on faceless members of the world around me. why this FEAR should still be present is beyond me, and would probably require a treatise far longer than i am willing to go into thous morning. so instead i need to look at whether or not there is a rational basis for this fear.
okay, starting at the top -- i have not used for ten years and nine months and some days, so there is no new harm that is the result of finding the ways and means to get high. i have worked a couple set of steps and am currently engaged in yet another twelve step cycle, and i have been faithful to doing a tenth step on a nightly basis, such as it is. so as a result i have a fairly accurate catalog of the harm i have done since my last eight and ninth step process. i am living the program, so the amount of chaos and damage i cause just by being me has been largely eliminated. i have noticed that one by one i am given a greater choice on whether or not to act out on my character defects, and i am actually choosing to behave in a more spiritual manner. so looking at it from that perspective, the FEAR of finding unknown harm that might be painful for me to amend, is not very rational. yes it is true that i might uncover that exact situation, and yes it might be a painful process to make those amends, but inn actuality, following the guidance of my sponsor and those who have come before me has yet to kill me, so the time has come to replace my FEAR with FAITH that the process will work as it should and i will discover and amend that which i need to amend, and in all actuality my life will go on.
so off to the showers and into yet another busy day of recovery.

∞ DT ∞