Blog entry for:

the world rather than selfishly acting out of self-entitlement, to take from everyone and everything that i desire.
living in the real world, as i do, means that living a spiritual path, sometimes feels as if i am not going to get what i deserve. i often feel that i am missing out, or there is only so much to go around and i need to grab on to what i can, as much as i can before it is all gone. what exactly is “it?” that is always the real question, as “it” changes seemingly from moment to moment. perhaps “it” is that spot in traffic where i am the front of the pack and nothing impedes my path. perhaps “it” it is unfettered access to my a=career path that brings more money and prestige. perhaps “it” is respect of my peers, clients, co-workers and everyone that i happen to encounter on my daily rounds. while all of those are not necessarily undesirable “its” to have, it is my DESIRE to have them, often at any cost, that is the issue. add addiction on top of that unbridled desire and one can plainly see, that at least for this addict, making amends, is something i need to do each and every time through the steps., as well as daily practice of a TENTH STEP.
today, one of the “indirect” amends i make is to live a program of recovery. i intentionally choose not to say “practice,” as in my head that gives me the loophole to be a little less strict in my adherence to this lifestyle. i am the sort of person, who always seeks a loophole and tries to soften the blow to my own ego b y choosing terms and phrases that disguise the reality of the situation. through this process, i GOT to use for twenty-five years and had basically built a wall around what i knew was correct, so i could do whatever the fVck i desired, yes there it is again, desire. my life in active addiction was attempting to satisfy one desire after another, and any obstacle was subject for removal with extreme prejudice. not that i was some sort of hit man, bully assassin , but i could shred someone to pieces with my behavior and tongue. my living amends, way back when have not change much over the years. it is not about curbing DESIRE, it is about accepting what comes, being grateful for what i have and striving to get more, in harmony with those around me. yes, certainly a Kum-By-Yah moment. when i live by that path, the amends i need to make directly, the wrongs i have to admit to and the pain of the realization of how i affect others, are all lessened.
where does all of this lead to today? well what i heard this morning is that as my desire to be seen as something more is diminished, i am seen as something more by my peers, my family and those others who cross my path. as my desire to be better than everyone else is lessened, i harm less people, leave a smaller wake behind and start to act out of self-respect and self-esteem. as my relative value to the world around me approaches reality, i am better capable of living a program that allows me the path to become better is every single way. i think on that note, i will start my journeys today and see if i can get there and back again, without lifting a single middle finger salute. it is after all, a great day to be clean and on this side of the lawn.

∞ DT ∞