Blog entry for:

make my community a better place in which to live. it is true, that when i was out there, the last thing on my mind was the damage i was doing to society in general. the symptoms that i knew that i was doing harm were there. rationalizations, justifications and denial, followed by a heavy dose of chemical bliss. as i mentioned to my brother yesterday, if one has to make a rationalization, one already knows that they are doing wrong. good deeds, stellar behavior and the next right thing do NOT require justification.
among my amends on that very first list was society in general and that amends has been made, and in fact is still being made today. each day i stay clean, i make a small difference in the world around me. each day i practice an active program of recovery, i increase that small difference for the better. i know that in the big scheme of things, i am just a small part, but as one draws their vision min to the local environment, i do make a bigger and bigger difference. it does not, however, really matter if i make a difference or not. after all, doing the next right thing for recognition and reward, stripes it of its spiritual character. oh the act itself, does good, but when i expect, or demand recognition, than i am stepping out of humility and into pride and ego. which was part of my problem to start with, and some days continues to be.
so where am i at today? well i may or may not be seeing a sponsee this afternoon, after work, i have to call and see. i am writing that dreaded FOURTH STEP and am smack dab in the middle of my second resentment, which is far more heinous and insidious than i ever believed it was. my instinct is to put it down and run quickly away from doing anything else in this area. my head and my heart tells me, however, that IF i want healing, THAN the path to take is to persevere through the ugliness, which i will attempt to do this evening. anyhow, time to start my drive into Denver, as they do not pay me, if i do not show up and give them eight hours of productive work!

∞ DT ∞