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me through hard times. today, might have been one of those hard times as it is the third Fathers Day without my Dad. last year his birthday and Fathers Day left me a bit numb. today i feel sad and second guessing whether or not i should have allowed the doctors to take heroic measures to save him, rather than bringing him home to die. what i am sure about is that he had the opportunity to see his family, his dogs and his brothers before slipping away and i do not know if that would have been possible if i had chosen the other option. i can beat myself up with this very heavy cudgel or i can accept that it is done and is become ancient history in this fast-paced post modern world.
what exactly is my definition of grace, aseptically since i am not a theist of any type. the source material is no better at defining it than i am, but when i choose to think about it, there was something that gave me the impetus to stay clean and continue to practice a program of active recovery, even when i was overwhelmed by “negative” feelings that i wanted to get rid of, or when i thought this whole recovery gig was some sort of scam and it was never going to pay-off. unfortunately, just like many of the various components of my recovery, grace is just as nebulous as the POWER that fuels my recovery, FAITH in the program or belief that i can be a “better” person through the process of living the steps. i am okay with all of hose, as that ambiguity provides me the ways and means to move forward in my life, without having to find logical and rational foundations on which to base that life, save for the fact that using never fixed anything.
as i get ready to leave the house and head on out for an afternoon of cigar smoke and totally inappropriate conversation, i can be assured that the source of whatever grace may be, is my desire to live a program of recovery, just for today. i have to wish a very happy Fathers Day to all those fathers out there. i hope you get all that you need today to honor your commitment to be a Dad to your children and not just a semen donor.

∞ DT ∞