Blog entry for:

yes, by carrying the message of recovery to those i encounter in my daily life. that being said, i guess i can move on, as the real topic on my mind today, is the amends, direct and indirect. i have one of each on my EIGHTH STEP, or at least how i see it, as one of them is dead, so after i finally write it out and talk to my sponsor, i will be back at this same point an indirect amends. i often thought if i hung out long enough i could totally avoid amends by letting everyone i owe one to, to die off, changing them all to indirect amends, that i can make privately and with very little ceremony.
that i have come to believe is not a very good idea, as how can i be free from the burden of my past, carrying the weight of my so-called sins, for lack of a better term. STEP 9 is the culmination of my detachment from my past and allows me the freedom to be more than the product of my past, which of course cannot be denied. everything i did, everything i did not do and all the destruction i left in my wake, are all part of me now. the difference is that i see it for what it is, a person i once was, and one i could become again. i love to hear other soothe their inner being and build their self-esteem, by trying to deny that they are a product of their past. for me, owning that fact, like the fact that i am an addict, helps me move forward. my past is not as dark as some, and certainly darker than others, but it does not change the fact that addiction is the great equalizer, and i have the weight of the harm i did in active addiction as well as the harm that i still manage to do in my day to day living. because of a life of active recovery, that harm does NOT define me, nor does the slights and harms i have perpetrated upon me in my daily life, need to be worked up into resentments. this only occurs when i am spiritual enough to recognized what all of that is, tools to take me back to the person i once was.
sure i would love to be the type that farts daises and walks around spreading sunshine and rainbows, but that IS NOT who i am. i am quite comfortable with the fact, that just for today, no one expects me to be anything else, but myself. there are plenty of people who can do that and actually be sincere, as that is part of them and thinking of a world filled with those sorts, makes me cringe. instead i am grateful that there is a range of humans that fill the gap between the worst and the best examples of humanity, and i am somewhere in the middle.
as i wind up, i am starting to see how the seed i chose to start this, is coming back into my mind. regardless of how long i have been clean, when i strive to be a part of my community, i start to heal the damage i created. more importantly when i carry the message that an addict, any addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use, and find a new way of living, well, i am making the world that much better and diminishing the weight of the damage i did, when i was running and gunning. so just for today? well, just for today i will do my best to be the best person i can be, tread a bit lighter on the world i live in and look for the opportunities to continue to amend the damage i did, to the world around me, in general. life is not bad today and i am grateful i get to go to work for my second day as a real employee.

∞ DT ∞