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to live, is certainly something i aspire to helping to create. is that part of my indirect amends process? one could argue that question with the intensity of the whole chicken vs egg debate. that fact is, once i stopped using, i stopped talking so much from my local community. as i stayed clean and started to live a program of recovery, i started to give back, consciously and unconsciously. one will not find me speeding through the streets in the wee hours of the morning, looking for my next fix, while totally FUBAR from my prior activities. which, in and of itself, is certainly an improvement to the state of my community. over time, i can see that i have actually become an asset to my community.
today, however, that was not what bubbled up from the depths and popped off the stack. what did come over me, was a feeling of certainty of my worth. i was worthy of speaking to a meeting with a hundred recovering addicts on Wednesday. i am worthy of getting more money, even when i am not seeking new employment. i am worth doing the best job i can do, at my current job. most of all, i am worthy of not enabling anyone to slide down into a black hole of despair, a victim of their own choices.
the one thing i carried forward from that meeting on Wednesday, is that i no longer have to blame others or be a victim to stuff that happened in my past. i am finally coming to terms about what was and seeing that although it made me what i am, i do not have to be that person any longer. i am more than worth walking out of the trap i created for myself and holding my head high, just as i am, right here and right now. other parties may be oblivious to the damage they caused, but as i have heard it said; “not my monkey, not my circus,” any longer. with that in mind, i think i will get my book out, have a cigar and enjoy this Saturday afternoon.

∞ DT ∞